If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.
What is hope? It's a question I've held onto for some time. Is it an emotion? A way of being? A perspective on life? Is it something we expect of others but don't always hold true to ourselves?
Maybe it is all of the above.
"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."
Hope is a funny thing. After losing Eli and Michael, hope was not a part of me. For a long time I did not let hope in. I think it was there all along, but my broken heart could not imagine a time when things would possibly get better. That thought still makes me sad to this very moment, but in a way, it helps to remember that I went through that. That I lived through that. I learned to be intentional in finding things to be grateful for. Things to hope for. Those things are always there. You just have to find them. I thank God every day for the blessings in my life, and especially on days when I'm feeling really sad or down about something. I recognize that we are not guaranteed tomorrow and we must be thankful for the time we are given.
That's not to say that I'm all rainbows and sunshine and butterflies all day long. I'm not sure you thought that I was, but I'm really not. I love hope because of the possibilities it provides for future dreams. On the other hand, I also have a hard time getting too close to hope because, well, it sure does hurt when your hopes are up only to be let down.
So where is the balance? Should you go around thinking that everything is going to fall apart at any moment, only to be pleasantly surprised when they don't? Or, do you assume that all of your wildest dreams and wishes will come true, setting your expectations high. I have to find my way towards the middle somewhere, and that's what I'm working on. Being realistic, but also remaining positive and hopeful.
How do you manage the expectations placed on you by yourself or others? How do you allow hope and faith to sneak in to your daily life?
It's a funny thing, that hope. But one thing I know: I'm hanging onto it with all my might.
Well, hello there. So sweet of you to stop by. You might have one of a couple of scenarios running through your mind right now:
1) Who is this person, and why am I on her blog?
2) Ohh, Margot, I remember her. I think. It's been quite a while since I've heard from her.
Regardless of why you're here, I am so glad that you are. See, I have been away for some time. I have neglected this poor blog for a number of reasons over the past several months. I wanted to write, but then would become burdened by the fact that I had so much to catch up my "readers" on that I didn't know how to begin. Then, I'd go through days where I didn't feel up to catching anyone up on anything at all.And, finally, I realized that I likely don't have many readers and the ones I do have probably wouldn't mind me jumping back in whenever I was ready. Writing has been on my heart and mind a lot lately and I'm finally taking the plunge back in. I reminded myself of my purpose for writing this blog in the first place. It was to be a source of healing, as well as way to connect with others.
THAT'S why I'm here. A few of the many bloggers I follow mentioned getting started on The Nester's 31 days of change challenge . While I do feel a little overwhelmed by it, I also thought it would be the perfect opportunity to start writing regularly. Every day, in fact, for 31 days.
The theme of my series is called: 31 days of hope, with a dash of truth, sprinkled with gratitude.I am excited about the challenge and so hope you'll come back and visit our little corner of the blog world.
Hope has been a central part of my life, especially since we lost our twin boys in May of 2011. Our relationship {between hope and I} has been, well, complicated. I plan to write about that as well as coming to terms with various truths I've discovered along the way. Gratitude has taken a surprisingly important role in my everyday life, and I am sure glad that it has.
These things, along with tales of daily life mixed in, will all be included. My hope is that you'll take away something positive out of reading my babbling posts.
One year ago today, time stopped. Our world as we knew it came crashing down around us. In some ways, it is impossible to believe it's been a year. In others, it feels like an eternity. Not one single minute has passed in which our angels have not been on our minds and imbedded in our hearts. Thank you, God, for giving us the strength to face each day since then, and for giving us the ability to trust not on our own understanding, but on our faith that we will see our babies again one day.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. —Psalm 139:13, 14, 16
No, I haven't blogged since January 1st. We have had a lot going on in our little family and I've not been ready to write. I'm back. I needed to write tonight.
Exactly one year ago today, we received the most incredible news. Our prayers were answered as we saw "pregnant" appear on the test. Looking back, I wonder if I would have believed anyone who told me how the year would actually play out. Of course not. Our innocent, naive hearts were overflowing and I cannot recall a more pure joy than what was felt that morning, standing in the bathroom, sobbing together. "We did it!" We exclaimed. We thought we were there. We thought we had finished the hard part. We hadn't. In fact, our hardest days were yet to come. We had no idea what pain and heartbreak would accompany such joy on that morning. On that morning, we never could have guessed that we had two sweet baby boys inside of me. We certainly never thought we'd lose them the way we did. I can bet you a pretty penny we never realized how difficult it would be to build and rebuild our family.
No, when I think back on that day, I think about happiness. I think about shock, being grateful, thanking God (although I did this over and over after this day, too), and imagining our life unfolding. In fact, I have a clear memory of going to Seussical the Musical with my fourth graders on that day and tearing up while listening to children sing a song that contained the words "anything's possible...", knowing that I had an amazing gift that was given to me on that day.
How I wish we were spending today with Eli and Michael, already three months old. That certainly was how I had envisioned spending this day, why would it have been any other way? I have said it before and I will say it again. I would not trade one minute of the LIFE I spent with our sweet boys, even though there was so much heartache with saying goodbye to them. I wouldn't change it if it meant not knowing them at all. I am so thankful we have been chosen to be their parents. Through them, during this past year, I have become a stronger person than I ever thought possible. My husband and I became closer than I imagined we could be. I saw the kindness of strangers and true friendships and relationships have been tested. My faith, while shaken, has grown deeper. I have learned a lot about myself, and have learned how to say "okay" when someone asks if they can help. I have learned am learning to be patient, relinquish control, and take life one moment at a time. I have a greater appreciation for being a mother through having endured this. Thank you, sweet boys, for continuing to teach us and live on through us each.and.every.day.
This song is what I needed to hear tonight. The lyrics are also below and they really hit me. Where will we be in our journey next March 1st? I know better than to try and figure that out. One breath at a time. That's where we are. That's where we are supposed to be.
There's a little flame inside a soul
Some shine bright
Some shine small
The rains will come
And the waters rise
But don't you ever lose your light
In this life you will know
Love and pain
Joy and sorrow
So when it hurts
When times get hard
Don't forget whose child you are
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
May you live each day
With no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
Let your eyes get wide
When you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child's heart
With the ones you love
Treasure the time
And for those who are gone
Keep the memories alive
As we bid farewell to 2011 and waved hello to 2012, we were overcome with emotions over all we have experienced this past year. What a year it has been.
It was, in many ways, the best and the worst year of our life. How can that be? It's just how this year worked out. I hope that 2012 is equally as blessed, yet not remotely as sad.
There are so many moments that we experienced this year in which I will never forget. Some of them, I will cherish forever. Others, unfortunately, will never be erased from my mind,no matter how much I'd like them to. I have learned from each experience. I have become a stronger person. I have survived times I didn't think I would. I have seen compassion, love, and kindness from family, friends, and strangers. I have helped others. I have grown closer to my husband than ever before. I have made priceless friends in the wake of sadness. I have cried. I have laughed. I have felt a love deeper than I even knew existed. I have seen hope.
Again, I hope that 2012 is every bit as sweet, and yet not nearly as heartbreaking as 2011. I pray to God that He continues to walk with us on our journey towards parenthood. I am thankful for His grace, hope and peace He has given me.
On Christmas Eve, we were at church with family. I had held it together well until I was praying silently and the children's choir began to sing Silent Night A Capella. Then, the tears came. They flowed out of my eyes like water, in the middle of church where there were joyful people surrounding us. I felt...a lot of things. I ached because of how deeply I missed Michael and Elijah. I felt peace knowing I will see them again and that they are watching over our family. I felt hope for the future. That pretty much sums up our year. Our hearts are filled with sadness, peace, love and hope. All at once. God is good and has a plan for us. We are living it now, even though it's not the way we pictured it. I still have faith it will be beautiful.
May God bless you and yours in 2012. I will pray for a year filled with health, happiness, peace, love and hope.
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