I'm going to do this.

On my mind today. :)

I think that sometimes the difference between winning and losing, success and failure, is this gray line between will, passion and self-belief that says, 'I'm going to do this'. - Howard Schultz

One Year. 11.11.12

It's been a year.

 

I'm not sure where or who I thought I'd be at this point. Happier? Better? Healed? Still broken?Stronger? I'm so thankful I do not have to define myself and can just be where I am.

One thing is for sure, we did not go through this year alone. Through the countless prayers from family, friends and strangers.

Through TJ holding me and not saying a word. Through him allowing me to be cranky, grumpy, silly, or quiet whenever I needed to be.

Through the sensitive, thoughtful words of my dad. Through my mom listening to me everyday and saying how deeply she wished she could take our pain away. Through my sister and brother being a constant support and always offering a prayer and hope for us. Through all of our family, near and far, who may have felt limited by ways they can help, but never were limited in love and encouragement they offered.

 

Through my friends, who have left messages when I didn't feel like talking, simply to say "I love you." "Thinking about you." "I'm here if you feel like talking."

Through the new friendships made in the wake of our loss. Through the experiences that joined our hearts together.

 Through the many, many, many tears. And, through the laughter, too.

Through the souls of our children who live on through us and shine down on us daily.

 Through God, for without whom there is no doubt I'd no longer be standing.

Dear Elijah and Micheal,

Our precious boys. Words do not begin to express how deeply you are missed and how dearly you are loved. It's so hard for Daddy and me to imagine little one year old babies, unsteadily walking around our house. Your house. We wish you were here. We wish we could hold you and hug you and watch you grow. We are sad today because of hopes and dreams unfulfilled. We are happy today because we realize you are in a beautiful place, one that is more precious and perfect than we could ever begin to imagine for you. We are thankful that God chose us to be your parents. We have a great responsibility to live our lives on earth in a way that makes you proud, and that is what we strive to do each and every day. Please continue to take good care of each other, your baby sister, and all of your siblings. We are grateful we get to spend forever with you, and do not fear the future because of that. You are with us, always. We love you, our sweet angels.

Mommy and Daddy

 

For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
—Psalm 139:13, 14, 16

 

You kept track of my every toss and turn

through the sleepless nights,

Each tear entered in Your ledger,

each ache written in your book.

 Psalm: 56:8

 

Day 31: Hope. Truth. Gratitude.

31 days ago, I began this challenge among more than a thousand others. I am not sure why I did, or that I was remotely qualified to do so, but I'm glad I did. I don't know if many are out there reading, or just a few, but that's not what matters most. I am on a journey. A crazy, rollercoaster journey.  This little blog is helping me sort through it a little easier, and doing anything difficult is often much less overwhelming when not done alone.

So, because these three things are what brought me to this challenge in the first place...

Hope
Oh, hope! I am in awe of you. Hope can lift the curtain on the dreariest day to let in a tiny ray of sunlight. My heart is filled with hope. With every ounce of my being, I have faith that we will bring our babies home. I have faith that while we are already parents, we will rebuild our family here on Earth and will hold the babies we've longed for so deeply in our arms. I have faith that our hearts will mend, though scars will always be with us. I have hope that we will find our spark. Through everything we've been through and for all that we will endure in the future, I have HOPE.

Truth
The truth is, I am scared. I don't know what the future holds and I want to know so badly that it's all going to work out. I don't know for sure, but that doesn't stop me from trusting that it will. Truthfully, I have more to worry about now than I ever did before, and yet I somehow worry less. The truth? I still get angry, sad, and frustrated. I just try to focus on those things less on the positive things more. I am flawed in many, many ways. Embracing those imperfections has helped me to accept the things I cannot change. I pray for the courage to change those that I can, and I long for the wisdom to know the difference.  

Gratitude

 

31 Reasons to be Grateful:

1.Life. period.

2. My husband. My heart.

3. The best family we could ever ask for.

4. The sweetest, most supportive friends.

5. God's unyielding love.

6. Guardian Angels. All of them.

7. A roof over our heads.

8. Cozy bed to sleep in.

9. Food in abundance.

10. Clothes on our backs.

11. Sadie.

12. Bailey.

13. Our sweet nieces.

14. Jobs. With all imperfections included.

15. Laughter.

16. Rainbows.

17. Strength.

18. Dreams.

19. Weekends.

20. Freedom.

21. Autumn.

22. Winter. Spring. Summer.

23. Today.

24. Encouragement.

25. Prayer.

26. Love. In all its powerful forms.

27. Mistakes.

28. Learning. In all its powerful forms.

29. Truth.

30. Hope.

31. YOU.

 

I want to keep writing. I want to grow and be better and achieve the dreams and goals we've made. I want you to follow along. I want to hear from you and learn from you and be inspired by you. I covet your prayers and seek your positive thoughts all along the way and am grateful beyond words for every single one. Thank you for taking this challenge with me!

Day 30: Listen

 

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” ~Shel Silverstein

 

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.” 
~Emily Dickinson

 

 

"They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world; someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for."

 

Day 29: Living Gratitude

 

 

Can't say it better than JFK. This is what  I needed to see and remember today.