October 19, 2012

Day 19: Rekindling the Spark

When I began this little blog, my spark had been extinguished. It's ironic and appropriate as I think about that time now and how the name of this blog came to be. My sister gave me a book called The Mourner's Book of Hope: 30 Days of Inspiration. I read it each day for thirty days, and in the book I read about the role hope can play in the loss of your divine spark. There was that word again: spark. I realized what I had to do. I was beginning a journey, not the one I had prayed for, but one I never wanted to begin in the first place. I was beginning my journey to find and rekindle my spark.
I never imagined how much writing about my journey would inch me, slowly, closer to my coveted spark. But, you see, I'm not alone on my journey. Not by a long shot. And, I'm not "there" yet. May never be. Isn't that the nature of a journey?
As Hota Kotb said, don't hog your journey.  I am accompanied by many, many others on this journey. My family, friends, co-workers, aquaintances, and even those I had never met carried me through those darkest days when my flame was no where to be found. The amount of gratitude I feel for those who prayed for us, encouraged us, and cried with us is indescribable. Those people who decided to follow along with us even though our story is not always pretty and my words are not always positive helped us immeasurably.
And, one of the greatest and most unexpected gifts of all has come of this. The fact that anyone takes the time to read this blog amazes and inspires me. The greatest gift of this blog and deciding to share our story outloud is that it is reaching others. I am in awe of the number of women who have so bravely shared their story with me, as well, and have said that mine has inspired them or touched them in some way. Time and time again I have been brought to tears through reading about such sweet mamas sharing their pain with me. I want to reach through the computer and give them each a hug and tell them that they are not alone in their painful journey, either. That there will be okay days, really bad days, and even, eventually, good days. My heart is not, nor ever will be, healed. I want to tell them that they can learn to really live through the pain. That they will survive.  The fact that hope can be ignited in others in part by reading my story is unreal. Then again, I needed that, and still do on my journey. Connecting with others and seeing the light at the end of a dark tunnel moves me forward. YOU move me forward.
So, I want to say thank you. If you are here reading and praying and hoping right along with me, thank you. If I look very closely and sit very quietly, I can almost see the tiny spark of a flame igniting within my soul.

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