October 3, 2012

Day 4:Finding and Keeping Faith


Faith allows things to happen. It is the power that comes from a fearless heart. And when a fearless heart believes, miracles happen.

Finding and keeping faith has been a challenge over the last two years, more so at times than others. It's amazing how when things are going well, you can feel like the sky is the limit, like everything is working out just as it should.

It's when the order is off that faith begins to be tested. When babies don't make it to your arms, faith is tested. It's when you find yourself in a place you never wished nor imagined you'd be, when faith is tested.

In our case, just like with the grieving process, we went through phases. Knowing we now had angels in Heaven, I am thankful that my relationship with God grew closer. Heaven became something real and not distant, far off into the future as I once I had thought. I know in my heart that I will meet my children one day and we will not say goodbye I take great comfort in knowing that our babies will only know love. They will not know hate or sadness or anger or any other emotion that plagues our lives. They will only know pure, true, innocent love. That thought brings me peace and gives me something to hope for. They are safe and they are loved and they are happy. I need to have faith in that, and I need to know I will be with them again one day. To me, without that...what is there?

But, then there were also not so good days. Honestly, some days I could not even pray. I just couldn't find the words, and somedays still can't. I have questioned God's purpose and become angry with events I couldn't possibly understand. Besides the obvious, I wanted answers. I asked WHY more times than I could count. That's where faith steps in. I had to learn to lean on faith and the fact that I may not understand, will not ever understand, why our babies are in Heaven. I don't understand  and that's the point. I have to let go of what I know and count on faith that God has a plan and a purpose for our lives that is far greater and more beautiful than I can ever imagine. Faith is what gets me through. Its the not knowing that's scary. 

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. 
I hope if you are reading right now and you are fearful of what the whole staircase is like, just try and focus on that first step. Find small things, make small goals, and know that you might not be able to see all the way down the steps, and that's okay. Just take that first step, and let faith in yourself, your goals, your prayers guide your way.

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