November 1, 2011

November

November is here. It feels like I have been building this month up in my mind for so long, and I just cannot believe that it is here and my boys are not.

Grief is a funny thing. I say funny not at all in the haha kind of way, but in the hmm-didn't-know-it-worked-like-that kind of way. Some days, it amazes me that I am even functioning like a normal person. It doesn't seem that I should be. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I have genuinely laughed, too, sometimes in the exact same moment. I don't think I'm crazy, {most of the time}, because apparently, this is normal.

Still, the deep sadness is there. It's been an adjustment, but it stays with me. Even when I'm with the people I love and having fun, it's still there. It is, like so many other situations, a parallel journey. I can be smiling on the outside and hurting on the inside. It's just my new normal. I don't think that's easy for others to understand, nor do I expect it. I do know I am making a conscious choice to get out of bed every morning and be the best teacher, wife, friend, daughter and sister I can be. The way I see it, it's the only choice I have.

So, the grief sneaks its way into my life in different ways, at different times. Right after we lost our boys, and the shock wore off, the hurt simply took my breath away it was so painful. God has given me strength since then, and I am so thankful for that. The excruciating hurt comes in waves. Some days are  much better than others. Our world crumbled on the day we lost our babies and ever since then we are desperately trying to pick up the pieces from the rubble.

 Please know that while even though I am stronger, the pain has not gone away. In fact, the past month or so has been incredibly difficult in ways I had not planned. Each day gets harder as November 11th approaches. I thought about it the other day as I wondered why it seems to be harder now, more so in ways than it was before, and the answer hit me like a ton of bricks.

Before November 11th I should have been carrying my babies. Before I should have been decorating their nursery. Before I should have been taking labor and delivery classes, filling up their closets with coordinated outfits, and been on bedrest. Before.

After November 11th, I'll say, they should be in my arms now. We should be staying at home for Thanksgiving and taking family portraits for Christmas. After, I should be in a constant state of bliss and exhaustion with two newborns in our home.

It's the after that gets me. Everything before was devastating, but it's after the due date that I could really imagine what our lives would look like together. I'm not sure how I'll cope with it, but that's what is on my mind these days. I will try not to let my mind wander there too often. It's not the reality we're living, so I won't linger there.

Thank you for reaching out, for saying nothing when there is nothing to be said. Thank you for allowing and encouraging me to be what I need to be at any given moment. Thank you for praying hard for our babies, for us, and for our future.  Thank you for supporting us through the good times and the bad. We are so lucky + grateful to have such gifts in our lives.



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