November 11, 2011

Eli & Michael +

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. I didn't think I'd be here today. By here, I mean on this blog. If anything, I thought I would be updating the blog I started to document our journey to parenthood originally here. In my wildest dreams, I couldn't have even imagined that this blog would exist on November 11, 2011. What I have come to realize is that while this blog is deviates from my original plan, it still documents our journey with our children. Our journey together is never-ending. It didn't end on the day we said goodbye to them, too soon. It doesn't end today, on their due date. Like a circle, it will never end.

40 weeks ago, to the day, I never imagined this is where I would be. In those 40 weeks, I have experienced the greatest joy and deepest sorrow I have ever known. I have both celebrated and questioned. I have felt fulfilled and painfully empty. I have felt worry, anger and despair. I have prayed. I have felt hope and hopelessness. I have laughed. I have cried (oh, how I've cried). I have discovered a love deeper than I knew existed.
I've felt weak and I've felt strong. I have made friends in the wake of sorrow and have realized that I am not alone in my pain. I have suffered, and yet I have praised God for His gifts in my life. I have gained strength from the kindness, love, support and prayers of others.

Today, for the most part, by the grace of God, I felt peaceful. I hesitate to say that because arriving at this date does not, in any way, mean I have made peace with losing our boys. It does not mean I have achieved "closure" or have "moved on", as if that were even an option I'd want to consider. No, being peaceful today and making peace with what happened are quite separate.

 I did feel the love of our babies, God, our family, friends, and strangers all day long. Here, there was not a cloud in the sky. It was truly beautiful. It was windy, which helped me to also feel the presence of our boys. We released eleven balloons, each one with a message to Elijah and Michael from Mommy (me), Daddy (TJ), and Sadie (Big Sister).

TJ and I have been moved to tears by the ways in which so many of you honored our boys today. Truly. I want to thank you all so much for lifting us up today. We feel so loved, and I know that Michael and Eli were smiling down at all of the blue balloons rising up to meet them in Heaven, and felt the thoughts and prayers sent to them, as well. My heart may be aching, but know that your words, thoughts, prayers, love and support are helping it to mend.

Here are some snapshots from our celebration of our babies today. Thank you for sending me your pictures of balloons you released for baby M and baby E. I will share those this weekend once I collect them all. I'll always cherish them.

My Precious Babies,
Did you like the balloons we sent up today? You are very lucky because you have so many people on Earth that love you so much. Most of all, we are the lucky ones to know your souls. Your lives have touched ours more than you'll ever know, but did you know that you are touching other lives, too? You continue to teach Daddy and me lessons everyday, and we are so thankful for that. Eli and Michael, know that we breathe your spirit every second of everyday.There is not one moment that passes in which you are not with us. You are our hearts and our souls. You live through us, and through all of the others who have been blessed by you. Oh, how we wish you were with us today. We will love you with our whole hearts forever and ever and ever. You are our first born sons and we smile knowing that you will always watch over us, protect us and bless our family. Always take care of eachother, too, until I can come and take care of you both again. I pray to God that you feel our love and hear our prayers, and that you know how deeply you are missed and cherished. Words cannot express how much we love you. I will see you in my dreams, my prayers, my thoughts, my heart, my sweet boys.
We love you to the moon and back,
Mommy and Daddy


Jess said...

This post was beautiful and heartfelt. I know it had to be difficult to write and share this special occausion with everyone, but know that we appreciate and are praying for you. I'm so glad that you felt peace today and know that your boys felt your love for them.

Running 365 said...

Beautiful. Y'all have been in my thoughts and prayers all weekend.

ChelseaTheo said...

This is a beautiful tribute to your little angels. I hope that releasing the balloons provided a sense of relief and comfort - although, I know the sadness will never truly be washed away. Looking forward to chatting more on Wednesday -


Maria said...

I have tears in my eyes reading this. Tears of sadness missing the babies that aren't here anymore and tears of joy knowing that we will see them all again and they are in a better place. Praying for peace and strength as you continue this journey.

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