Redefine.

I have been thinking a lot. (Uh oh. Watch out). Here are some of my randoms for the day:

First, after going through a tragedy,we quickly realized that we wanted to remember our own crisis on a daily basis when going about our "normal" lives. I'm talking about complaining, getting upset, frustrated, etc. about things that are, in the grand scheme of things, NOT A BIG DEAL. I know we're all guilty of it, and hopefully we can do it a little less when we center ourselves and focus on situations in two categories: what really matters, and what doesn't.

Here are a few examples of things that are not worth getting upset about:
*Major traffic jam when you'd really love to be home from work
*Starbucks used 2% milk instead of your preferred skim
*Not-so-polite customer service
*Rain on an outdoor event
*Pup chewed your favorite pair of shoes
*Shattering your new phone on the stone floor two weeks after buying it (this may or may not have happened to Hubs)
*Waiter at a restaurant does not put dressing on the side, leaves on the onions you didn't want, uses white instead of wheat...

I think you get the point. :) When you lose the most important piece of you, and I pray you never, ever do, you quickly realize how silly it is to bother getting upset over such small things. I challenge you to remember this the next time you have a long wait at the doctor's office! ;)

Other thoughts that have been rolling around in that head of mind are how impossible it may seem to be simultaneously grateful, fearful, hopeless, hopeful, misunderstood and completely accepted all at once. I feel these things at any given moment.

Words seriously cannot describe how thankful we are to have the support of our family, friends and even "strangers" during this time of despair. I know that each of you are walking through this pain with us, and often don't know what to say or are afraid of upsetting me. I assure you, when there aren't words to say, you compensate in a big way through keeping us close in your encouraging thoughts, prayers and words. When you're worried about upsetting me, I promise, our twin boys are always at the front of my mind. Asking me how I'm doing won't make a good day bad or a bad day worse. The wound is so fresh and it's very difficult to talk about, but it is healthy and healing to talk about, also.

 It is enough to be just what I need to be at a given time and know that I will be supported. I don't always have to put on a brave face and pretend that I am fine. I also don't have to be afraid to talk about something else, like nail polish or movies or what is happening in the lives of our loved ones. I know I have missed a lot of what's beeing going on over the past 6 weeks, but I also feel as though I haven't had very much to give. Thank you for understanding all of me through this heartache.

It's strange to feel that your world is standing still while everyone else's lives are still turning. I sometimes feel, when I go to the grocery store or Target, that I have a secret that is about to be broadcasted over the loudspeaker. I feel transparant, since I know I'm so changed, others must see it, too. I realize this isn't the case, and that most people do not know what is happening beneath the surface. That makes me think about others and what they have going on beneath the surface, as well. Hopefully I will bottle up this feeling (but put it on the shelf eventually because it stings) and remember that when we interact with people on a daily basis, we have no idea what they could have gone through. Everyone has their mountains to climb.

Wow, those really were a lot of random thoughts. Thank you for being here and reading them. I know you are here by choice and I appreciate you so much.

P.S. (on a more technical note, please sign up to receive updates via e-mail to the right. I don't want you to miss any ramblings!)

P.P.S. I am super excited about a bloggie makeover taking place in the near future. It's the small things! Check back soon. :)