One year ago today, time stopped. Our world as we knew it came crashing down around us. In some ways, it is impossible to believe it's been a year. In others, it feels like an eternity. Not one single minute has passed in which our angels have not been on our minds and imbedded in our hearts. Thank you, God, for giving us the strength to face each day since then, and for giving us the ability to trust not on our own understanding, but on our faith that we will see our babies again one day.
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. —Psalm 139:13, 14, 16
No, I haven't blogged since January 1st. We have had a lot going on in our little family and I've not been ready to write. I'm back. I needed to write tonight.
Exactly one year ago today, we received the most incredible news. Our prayers were answered as we saw "pregnant" appear on the test. Looking back, I wonder if I would have believed anyone who told me how the year would actually play out. Of course not. Our innocent, naive hearts were overflowing and I cannot recall a more pure joy than what was felt that morning, standing in the bathroom, sobbing together. "We did it!" We exclaimed. We thought we were there. We thought we had finished the hard part. We hadn't. In fact, our hardest days were yet to come. We had no idea what pain and heartbreak would accompany such joy on that morning. On that morning, we never could have guessed that we had two sweet baby boys inside of me. We certainly never thought we'd lose them the way we did. I can bet you a pretty penny we never realized how difficult it would be to build and rebuild our family.
No, when I think back on that day, I think about happiness. I think about shock, being grateful, thanking God (although I did this over and over after this day, too), and imagining our life unfolding. In fact, I have a clear memory of going to Seussical the Musical with my fourth graders on that day and tearing up while listening to children sing a song that contained the words "anything's possible...", knowing that I had an amazing gift that was given to me on that day.
How I wish we were spending today with Eli and Michael, already three months old. That certainly was how I had envisioned spending this day, why would it have been any other way? I have said it before and I will say it again. I would not trade one minute of the LIFE I spent with our sweet boys, even though there was so much heartache with saying goodbye to them. I wouldn't change it if it meant not knowing them at all. I am so thankful we have been chosen to be their parents. Through them, during this past year, I have become a stronger person than I ever thought possible. My husband and I became closer than I imagined we could be. I saw the kindness of strangers and true friendships and relationships have been tested. My faith, while shaken, has grown deeper. I have learned a lot about myself, and have learned how to say "okay" when someone asks if they can help. I have learned am learning to be patient, relinquish control, and take life one moment at a time. I have a greater appreciation for being a mother through having endured this. Thank you, sweet boys, for continuing to teach us and live on through us each.and.every.day.
This song is what I needed to hear tonight. The lyrics are also below and they really hit me. Where will we be in our journey next March 1st? I know better than to try and figure that out. One breath at a time. That's where we are. That's where we are supposed to be.
There's a little flame inside a soul
Some shine bright
Some shine small
The rains will come
And the waters rise
But don't you ever lose your light
In this life you will know
Love and pain
Joy and sorrow
So when it hurts
When times get hard
Don't forget whose child you are
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
May you live each day
With no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
Let your eyes get wide
When you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child's heart
With the ones you love
Treasure the time
And for those who are gone
Keep the memories alive
As we bid farewell to 2011 and waved hello to 2012, we were overcome with emotions over all we have experienced this past year. What a year it has been.
It was, in many ways, the best and the worst year of our life. How can that be? It's just how this year worked out. I hope that 2012 is equally as blessed, yet not remotely as sad.
There are so many moments that we experienced this year in which I will never forget. Some of them, I will cherish forever. Others, unfortunately, will never be erased from my mind,no matter how much I'd like them to. I have learned from each experience. I have become a stronger person. I have survived times I didn't think I would. I have seen compassion, love, and kindness from family, friends, and strangers. I have helped others. I have grown closer to my husband than ever before. I have made priceless friends in the wake of sadness. I have cried. I have laughed. I have felt a love deeper than I even knew existed. I have seen hope.
Again, I hope that 2012 is every bit as sweet, and yet not nearly as heartbreaking as 2011. I pray to God that He continues to walk with us on our journey towards parenthood. I am thankful for His grace, hope and peace He has given me.
On Christmas Eve, we were at church with family. I had held it together well until I was praying silently and the children's choir began to sing Silent Night A Capella. Then, the tears came. They flowed out of my eyes like water, in the middle of church where there were joyful people surrounding us. I felt...a lot of things. I ached because of how deeply I missed Michael and Elijah. I felt peace knowing I will see them again and that they are watching over our family. I felt hope for the future. That pretty much sums up our year. Our hearts are filled with sadness, peace, love and hope. All at once. God is good and has a plan for us. We are living it now, even though it's not the way we pictured it. I still have faith it will be beautiful.
May God bless you and yours in 2012. I will pray for a year filled with health, happiness, peace, love and hope.
This year, as I mentioned, I haven't been super jolly about the holidays. I am trying to see every situation through my babies' eyes. I am sure they would love those twinkling lights and pretty colors. So, like everything else, I did it for them. And, I do love to decorate, afterall. :)
In an effort to boost our spirits, Hubby and I went to cut down our Christmas tree! We didn't truck all the way to the mountains, but we did make to a somewhat hillier (is that a word?) part of the state. It was so worth it and I believe next year we will have to go into the mountains to cut down our next one.
This Christmas tree farm was just that, a farm. In the middle of nowhere. And, there were goats, chickens and a gigantic pig who scared the daylights out of Sadie. Poor thing. It was hilarious, though. Here are a few snapshots from our little adventure, pig included.
Here we are before we picked out our tree. Sadie is still distraught from the pig scare.
We were there on the second day the farm had opened for Christmas tree sales, so there were SO many trees! Let me tell you, they are all huge and beautiful. It made me feel shame for not coming to pick out our own each year before this one. You also lose perspective as to what is "big" and what is "small". I, of course, gravitated towards the Rockefeller massive tree larger ones, but seeing as we don't live in Times Square, I'm glad we didn't go with my gut on the first tree. It would not have fit inside our home. Instead, we found such a beauty, and this buddy is not only tall, but rotund, if you will. It also barely fits in our house, and we could not put a topper on it because it touches the ceiling. And, we love it.
This just makes my heart melt. It was given to me by such a special friend who knows has now managed to create the most beautiful, perfect gifts, both of which we cherish. The first one, an incredibly moving painting of Sadie looking up at a crystal blue sky with two blue balloons, with an E and M written on them. This is so special to us and will grace our home and in the future Michael and Eli's younger siblings' room, as a constant reminder of their love and presence in our family.
This hand-painted ornament, perfectly captured our house in the winter, decorations included. Do you see the two blue balloons soaring above? This is so special and precious to us. Words just do not do it justice. Love.
Just for fun, here are some other ways we have decked the halls of our humble abode this year.
The angel with this quote belong right next to our stockings. So glad I found this.
Hope you enjoyed this little holiday tour of our home. I would love to know what you're doing to make yours merry and bright this year!
I am still here! I mentioned before that the holidays weigh heavy on our hearts this year. We feel the void in our lives deeply everyday, though the feeling seems heightened during this time of year. My heart aches for all those missing a loved one right now. I read a blog called Katie's Keepers and she has inspired me so much. Katie lost her sweet baby girl, Reese, two years ago, and has been writing about her journey through life ever since. Reading her story, struggles and triumphs has helped me through some of my most difficult days. Today she wrote:
"Every holiday that passes I think about two years ago and how thankful I am it's not that time. The pain of losing a child will always be evident and deep, but thankfully not as raw. That's His grace. "
These are our first holidays without our sweet boys. The pain is still raw. I can look forward, with hope, to a time when it will not be that way. Is it possibe? It's hard for me to imagine. But, I have to believe that hope and grace will shine through.
Eli and Michael continue to impact our lives and the lives of those around us every.single.day. They are so precious and my heart grows and grows with love for them each minute, sometimes I feel it might burst. Their spirits are always with us, and I am very thankful for that. Katie also wrote something else that describes how I feel about our boys. "So much of her is still around and yet the part I want most - her physical presence - isn't."
So, hug your loved ones tight this season. Tell them you love them and cherish every minute you have with them. Hug those who have lost a loved one, too. Say a prayer for the children watching down on their aching parents. The ones who won't sit on santa's lap this year, whose eyes won't widen at the sight of a lit Christmas tree. The ones who aren't sleeping peacefully in their cribs, but are safe in Heaven. Say a prayer for peace, strength and hope for those families wishing painfully that those angels were with them on Earth.
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