Day 5: The Bear Outside Your Door



By nature, I am a worrier. Now, add a baby or two in my belly and those worries are going to multiply. TJ used to tease me as I would worry about the worst case scenario, etc.etc. and he would say, Honey, there could be a bear outside your door right now, just waiting to attack. (I have an irrational fear of bears, by the way. I mean, they are SO big. Grizzly bears? Don't get me started.) Anyways, he would say:It's not likely, but it could happen. Does that mean you will never leave the house? Never go outside?

That would usually calm me down momentarily and remind me to stop dreaming up worst case scenarios. After all, the bear is most likely not outside my door. Right? That is, until of course, the metaphorical grizzly bear showed up outside our door and demolished life as we knew it into millions of pieces.

When I think about worry, I affectionately remember my late Grandma Lucy, and stories my sweet Grandpa Jack fondly tells me about her. He says that she worried about everyone, and that she felt if she worried it, it wasn't likely to happen. (Grandpa, a loyal blog follower I might add, please correct me if I am not telling that correctly!)

When I heard that, it struck a chord with me. Is that why I worry? Is it because if I think about the worst case scenario, it won't come to be? Obviously, I worried myself crazy while pregnant with the twins, and that didn't stop the unthinkable from happening. With Kate, I made every effort not to worry, to keep things calm, to trust. And, the worst happened anyway.

Grandpa says if you can't control it, don't worry about it. So simple, so wise. So difficult to do.

My take away: you cannot bargain with worry. Recognize the things you can control, and those beyond your control. Focus on those you can, and cast away those you can't. Oh, friends, we know this is so much easier said than done. I am not cured of my worrying tendencies. I have to be intentional in staying in the present and not getting too ahead of myself. Through trials and through miracles, it has become abundantly clear to me that I am not in control. As much as I wish I could, I cannot will events to be. So, I'm left to live my life the best I can, enjoy the moments I have, and try not to worry about the rest.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change those that. Can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Day 4:Finding and Keeping Faith

Faith allows things to happen. It is the power that comes from a fearless heart. And when a fearless heart believes, miracles happen.

Finding and keeping faith has been a challenge over the last two years, more so at times than others. It's amazing how when things are going well, you can feel like the sky is the limit, like everything is working out just as it should.

It's when the order is off that faith begins to be tested. When babies don't make it to your arms, faith is tested. It's when you find yourself in a place you never wished nor imagined you'd be, when faith is tested.

In our case, just like with the grieving process, we went through phases. Knowing we now had angels in Heaven, I am thankful that my relationship with God grew closer. Heaven became something real and not distant, far off into the future as I once I had thought. I know in my heart that I will meet my children one day and we will not say goodbye I take great comfort in knowing that our babies will only know love. They will not know hate or sadness or anger or any other emotion that plagues our lives. They will only know pure, true, innocent love. That thought brings me peace and gives me something to hope for. They are safe and they are loved and they are happy. I need to have faith in that, and I need to know I will be with them again one day. To me, without that...what is there?

But, then there were also not so good days. Honestly, some days I could not even pray. I just couldn't find the words, and somedays still can't. I have questioned God's purpose and become angry with events I couldn't possibly understand. Besides the obvious, I wanted answers. I asked WHY more times than I could count. That's where faith steps in. I had to learn to lean on faith and the fact that I may not understand, will not ever understand, why our babies are in Heaven. I don't understand  and that's the point. I have to let go of what I know and count on faith that God has a plan and a purpose for our lives that is far greater and more beautiful than I can ever imagine. Faith is what gets me through. Its the not knowing that's scary. 

Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step. 

I hope if you are reading right now and you are fearful of what the whole staircase is like, just try and focus on that first step. Find small things, make small goals, and know that you might not be able to see all the way down the steps, and that's okay. Just take that first step, and let faith in yourself, your goals, your prayers guide your way.

Day 3: What I'm Loving Wednesday

Thank you all for your sweet words about yesterday's post. Whew. Overwhelmed by your kindess and love!

In keeping with being grateful for little and big things in life, I decided to jump into link up with What I'm Loving Wednesday. :)

I'm loving these precious faces. How can you not smile? 

I love decorating my house and yard from top to bottom in honor of autumn!

I'm  loving the putting out the first anniversary gift {paper} made by my sweet hubby..even after three years!

I love making the first batch of pumpkin muffins, pumpkin K cups, pumpkin granola for yogurt..the list goes on. I.love.fall. :)

I am loving crisp, cool weather, sweaters and boots.

And, nail polish. I'm always loving nail polish.

I am loving my husband and remembering how we were on our honeymoon in St.Lucia this time three years ago!

What are you loving today?

Day 2: The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.



The reason I started this blog was to attempt to cope with the tremendous loss of the two souls my husband and I created. Writing became unbelievably cathartic for me. It was and is a form of therapy I never knew I needed so much.

Then, I stopped. I stopped because there became three hearts my own ached for. Three. Her name is Kate and she was with us, and now is every bit a part of us as her brothers. We lost her towards the end of the first trimester. We found out on Christmas morning that we were pregnant, and what a perfect miracle angel she is. It was a perfectly smooth pregnancy until we found out that her heart had stopped beating. I don't want to focus on the emotions that go along with that today. Today, I want to simply focus on her and the fact that she existed and still does very much live on in our hearts and minds.

From the very moment I found out I was pregnant with her, I just knew she was a precious girl. I can honestly say that I cherished every second of that pregnancy, and I wrote letters to her each week that I longed to share with her down the road.  I would love to share on here, as well, if for no other reason than to document our lives. We thought we were going to bring her home from the hospital and while we knew every one of the risks, we were so thankful, so hopeful. She healed our hearts in a way I did not know was possible. Only she could do that.

Sadly, the future we had planned for her wasn't to be. We said goodbye to her on February 2nd. Another angel.

We were very cautious about sharing the news of our pregnancy with others, that not many people even knew we were pregnant when we lost her. It became overwhelming to make the decision to "go about life as if nothing had happened" or to then go back and tell people what was going on, why I was such a mess. It was right in the middle of the school year, and I didn't have the summer to grieve, as I did with the twins.

I decided to push through it, work through it, move through it. It was the most physically painful thing I have ever endured. I decided not to talk about it to many people at all. And, I got mad. I became so angry but also so determined to build our family back up. I felt like a bull. I just wanted to stamp my feet, put my head down, and charge.  Anger, among many others, is the prominent emotion I remember on that day in the doctor's office, lying on the ultrasound table.

Then, Kate blessed us with another miracle. We were devastated and we cried for her life that would not be lived as we had hoped. We were frustrated beyond words. Our hearts ached and a void was created that will never fully be filled. But one thing was different than with losing the twins. We knew we would survive it. See, when we lost the twins, I truly and simply thought I would cease living. I would die of a broken heart. I did not and could not fathom getting through such indescribeable pain. But somehow, somewhere along the way, I did. I miss them every moment of every day, and I can still cry at the drop of a dime, but I am alive. I survived the unimaginable and I just knew I would do it again. Thank you, my sweet angels, for that gift.

I was dealing with losing Kate, but hadn't shared that fact with many others. I didn't want the the sympathetic looks, the extra attention, the questions. I did want to write, but didn't want to do so without acknowledging such a beautiful life that has graced ours in countless ways. I felt guilty. How could I go on blogging about anything and everything without shouting out from the rooftops that we have a little girl in Heaven? I just couldn't. So, I didn't. Until now. I realize I am putting myself out there for the world to see, and that's okay. I don't fear the looks or questions anymore. I know everyone means well. I hope that people who know me "in real life" will be sensitive enough to respect our situation and all I really ask for is prayer.

Then, we lost two more babies this summer. One right after the other. I have lost babies in various stages of pregnancy, from very early to much later and I can truly say I desperately wanted to bring each one home from the hospital with us. Desperately. With each one, a heart has been created, a life has existed. As painful as it is, I cannot go on without acknowledging each one.

We've asked all the questions. We've been given all the tests. We don't know why this keeps happening. We switched clinics, are now in the hands of a new doctor who has a new plan and complete faith in us. I do, too. Faith is powerful. So is love. We are full of both.

That's the truth. The whole truth. Nothing but the truth. Thank you for reading if you've made it this far. I am a mommy. With 5 babies in Heaven. I will hold them in my arms one day and I pray, with all of my strength, that we are blessed with the ability to walk out of the hospital with our living, breathing, healthy baby or babies in our arms. There is no greater prayer for us. No deeper truth.

 

Courage is not always a loud ROAR. Sometimes, it's the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow.

Day 1: Hope, defined.



If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.



                                          

What is hope? It's a question I've held onto for some time. Is it an emotion? A way of being? A perspective on life? Is it something we expect of others but don't always hold true to ourselves?

Maybe it is all of the above.

"Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark."

Hope is a funny thing. After losing Eli and Michael, hope was not a part of me. For a long time I did not let hope in. I think it was there all along, but my broken heart could not imagine a time when things would possibly get better. That thought still makes me sad to this very moment, but in a way, it helps to remember that I went through that. That I lived through that.  I learned to be intentional in finding things to be grateful for. Things to hope for. Those things are always there. You just have to find them. I thank God every day for the blessings in my life, and especially on days when I'm feeling really sad or down about something. I recognize that we are not guaranteed tomorrow and we must be thankful for the time we are given.

That's not to say that I'm all rainbows and sunshine and butterflies all day long. I'm not sure you thought that I was, but I'm really not. I love hope because of the possibilities it provides for future dreams. On the other hand, I also have a hard time getting too close to hope because, well, it sure does hurt when your hopes are up only to be let down.

So where is the balance? Should you go around thinking that everything is going to fall apart at any moment, only to be pleasantly surprised when they don't? Or, do you assume that all of your wildest dreams and wishes will come true, setting your expectations high. I have to find my way towards the middle somewhere, and that's what I'm working on. Being realistic, but also remaining positive and hopeful.

How do you manage the expectations placed on you by yourself or others? How do you allow hope and faith to sneak in to your daily life?

It's a funny thing, that hope. But one thing I know: I'm hanging onto it with all my might.