September 14, 2011

Easy Button

I wasn't sure where to start today. I wanted to write, but wasn't sure what to say. When I thought about it, this easy button came to mind. How I long to push that easy button!

My heart is really hurting today. I often struggle with how much is too much to share on the blog. This blog is very real and is a journal to document our lives, so it would make sense for me to share everything, but at the same time, it is mighty difficult to open myself up fully to the entire universe. You understand, right? Just know that we're climbing some mountains right now. We are working for our babies, that's for sure. It's okay. We'll do whatever it takes. Doesn't matter what it is, we'll do it. Your prayers are both needed and appreciated, always.

My husband is amazing, I've told you that. But, he is. He is a wise one and I am thankful I have him by my side to center me. One thing that has been amazing for us is the way we both naturally become "the stronger one" when the other needs to be "the one who falls apart". Of course, niether of us knew how we would handle our grief, but it has been clear that we are here to be the solid rock when the other one needs us to be. I count my blessings daily but I find I'm constantly praying for more.  I am so thankful for this man.

I have a million things floating in this mind of mine at any given time, and it can become overwhelming at times. The most prominent thought, in the very forefront of my mind, is that of my babies. I want to tell you about a dream I had not too many nights ago. During the pregnancy, I had very vivid boy dreams throughout and in my heart I knew the babies inside of me were boys. I had a feeling but I never pictured faces. Until I had my dream.

I saw my babies. They were, about eight months, I'd say. They were the most beautiful beings I had ever laid eyes on. Our boys had heads full of dark hair and their eyes were absolutely breathtaking. And, they were smiling. I was there, and I was holding them in my arms. I was smiling, too.

I woke up in tears. I wished with all of my heart and soul that my mind had a "print" button. Oh, what I would give to have that image in my hands! I can't help but wonder: is this what they look like? How could my mind create such vivid images of two people I have never "met"? When I get to Heaven, is that what they will look like? This is one of the many gifts from our twins. I wish I could explain to you what a gift this is. To see them, to know they are smiling. To hold them. They continue to bless our lives in so many unimaginable ways. Mommy and Daddy love you so much, sweet boys.

So, recalling this gift reminds me that I need to do my best here on Earth. I need to pull myself together FOR them. There will be okay days, not-so-okay days, downright bad days, and even good days. I need to embrace all of them and live each one to the fullest because I am still here. That is my blessing and that is  my gift. I will take the steps on this Earth that they cannot.

Alas, my heart is still hurting. I don't expect that hurt to go away anytime soon. I am getting used to it being there, and it is now natural. I will be concerned on the day I do not feel a breaking heart!

Please don't stop praying. We are so thankful for you and your continued support. Wouldn't it be grand if all we had to do was push the easy button and all of our worries went away? I know it's a fantasy, and rightfully so.

When {and I'm trying to say when, not if} we are blessed again, we will know, with unquestionable doubt, how very precious life is. We will give our all to our little one(s) and will spend our lives thanking God and our precious twins for the continued gifts in our lives.

In th meantime, I just need to remember this:

and, this:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time..."~Ecclesiastes 3:11


Mrs. Stranded said...

Margot - I am so, so sorry for the grief you're feeling right now. My heart breaks for you. I understand what you're saying about finding the strength for one another. It's one of the many blessings that comes with a marriage and helps us to survive tragedy and grief. I will be sure to keep you in my prayers.

Margot said...

Thank you so much for your prayers and sweet words. Through our grief we have definitely grown even closer and our marriage has become stronger. You are right, it is definitely a blessing to be thankful for.

Running 365 said...

I've heard many times before (and I'm sure you have as well) that tragedy either tears a couple apart or brings them closer than they ever would have been before. You and your husband obviously are the type that supports each other and comes through stronger. Still praying! Love you!

ChelseaTheo said...

I needed to be reminded of this today. Thank you.

Keep doing what you're doing...cause you're doing great. Your boys would be proud of their Mommy :)

Margot said...

Rachel..Thank you for your continued prayers and encouraging words. Love you, too!

Margot said...

Chelsea..YOU are doing an amazing job and I know Max is so proud of you, too. You are definitely an inspiration to me!<3

Jen-uinely Inspired said...

Hugs to you sweetie! My heart just breaks for you and your husband. And what a beautiful dream. To see your twins happy and smiling. I'll keep you and your husband in my prayers.

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