Eli & Michael +

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post. I didn't think I'd be here today. By here, I mean on this blog. If anything, I thought I would be updating the blog I started to document our journey to parenthood originally here. In my wildest dreams, I couldn't have even imagined that this blog would exist on November 11, 2011. What I have come to realize is that while this blog is deviates from my original plan, it still documents our journey with our children. Our journey together is never-ending. It didn't end on the day we said goodbye to them, too soon. It doesn't end today, on their due date. Like a circle, it will never end.

40 weeks ago, to the day, I never imagined this is where I would be. In those 40 weeks, I have experienced the greatest joy and deepest sorrow I have ever known. I have both celebrated and questioned. I have felt fulfilled and painfully empty. I have felt worry, anger and despair. I have prayed. I have felt hope and hopelessness. I have laughed. I have cried (oh, how I've cried). I have discovered a love deeper than I knew existed.
I've felt weak and I've felt strong. I have made friends in the wake of sorrow and have realized that I am not alone in my pain. I have suffered, and yet I have praised God for His gifts in my life. I have gained strength from the kindness, love, support and prayers of others.

Today, for the most part, by the grace of God, I felt peaceful. I hesitate to say that because arriving at this date does not, in any way, mean I have made peace with losing our boys. It does not mean I have achieved "closure" or have "moved on", as if that were even an option I'd want to consider. No, being peaceful today and making peace with what happened are quite separate.

 I did feel the love of our babies, God, our family, friends, and strangers all day long. Here, there was not a cloud in the sky. It was truly beautiful. It was windy, which helped me to also feel the presence of our boys. We released eleven balloons, each one with a message to Elijah and Michael from Mommy (me), Daddy (TJ), and Sadie (Big Sister).

TJ and I have been moved to tears by the ways in which so many of you honored our boys today. Truly. I want to thank you all so much for lifting us up today. We feel so loved, and I know that Michael and Eli were smiling down at all of the blue balloons rising up to meet them in Heaven, and felt the thoughts and prayers sent to them, as well. My heart may be aching, but know that your words, thoughts, prayers, love and support are helping it to mend.

Here are some snapshots from our celebration of our babies today. Thank you for sending me your pictures of balloons you released for baby M and baby E. I will share those this weekend once I collect them all. I'll always cherish them.

My Precious Babies,

Did you like the balloons we sent up today? You are very lucky because you have so many people on Earth that love you so much. Most of all, we are the lucky ones to know your souls. Your lives have touched ours more than you'll ever know, but did you know that you are touching other lives, too? You continue to teach Daddy and me lessons everyday, and we are so thankful for that. Eli and Michael, know that we breathe your spirit every second of everyday.There is not one moment that passes in which you are not with us. You are our hearts and our souls. You live through us, and through all of the others who have been blessed by you. Oh, how we wish you were with us today. We will love you with our whole hearts forever and ever and ever. You are our first born sons and we smile knowing that you will always watch over us, protect us and bless our family. Always take care of eachother, too, until I can come and take care of you both again. I pray to God that you feel our love and hear our prayers, and that you know how deeply you are missed and cherished. Words cannot express how much we love you. I will see you in my dreams, my prayers, my thoughts, my heart, my sweet boys.

We love you to the moon and back,

Mommy and Daddy



Heaven is for Real

Tomorrow is my due date.

Tomorrow is the day I planned for, hoped for, dreamed for. Tomorrow is the day I learned about in the doctor's office that very first visit. My journey with our children began almost exactly 40 weeks ago. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Where do I even begin? I'll probably have to save a lot of what's inside until tomorrow. It's just too much to let it all out at once.

Let's start with today. Today I am so incredibly humbled. I have received cards, texts,e-mails, phone calls, and hugs that have warmed by broken heart. I have been moved to tears by so many of you who have reached out to me and shared that our story matters. Our babies matter. I am in complete awe of the way you have been moved to release balloons tomorrow for our sons. I have tried to find the words to say, but all I can say is, thank you.

A special friend gave this thoughtful gift to me today:

Have you read this book? I devoured it in one sitting this summer. If you need some inspiration, faith renewal, or strength, please read it. In a nutshell it is the true story of a little boy, Colton, who almost died, went to Heaven, then came back to live and tell about it. He described, in such beautiful detail what Heaven was like. The most touching part that gave me goosebumps was when he talked about his big sister and how he met her in Heaven. His parents had suffered through a devastating miscarriage before Colton was born. They had never told Colton about his big sister in Heaven, and how he was a miracle in their lives after they had lost her. It's incredible and such a gift that he was able to meet her that way.

I didn't know this book was available for kids which is the version my wonderful friend gave me. I now have goosebumps thinking about reading this book to Elijah and Michael's younger siblings, telling them all about their brothers, and how they are watching over us all in Heaven. This book is so special to me in so many ways and I am very grateful to my friend who gave it to me in comfort and remembrance of our babies.

Another sweet friend gave me a hug today and as my eyes welled up with tears she said, "Think about how lucky they are. They never have to feel any pain like we feel on Earth. I don't know why you're feeling it right now,and I'm so sorry you are, but they will never have to feel such sadness." I had never thought about that. I would very much rather have them here on Earth and would give absolutely anything to make that possible. It does make me smile, however, to know that while they are not in my arms, they will never have to feel anything but the deepest love. I only wish it was possible for them to be in my arms to feel that love.

Finally, I made it home and this was sitting in the mailbox from my wonderful sister:

There just aren't words to say. Thank you for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We need them. Thank you for reaching out to show your love, support and encouragement. We cherish them. Please keep our boys fresh in your minds and hearts tomorrow. If you are planning on releasing balloons or if you feel moved to do anything else to celebrate their life and legacy, I would be so honored.

Here's what we're planning to do tomorrow to honor Eli and Michael. Stay tuned and I pray that God gives us the strength to face tomorrow.

Trauma Tuesday

Do you ever have a day that just did not go according to your plan? Today, I planned to get up, make a cup of coffee, go to work, come home and meet a friend for dinner tonight.

Here's what actually happened...

I woke up having trouble breathing. (Don't panic, recovering from bronchitis). I went downstairs to grab the inhaler that the doctor prescribed to help get over the bronchitis. I quickly ran back upstairs to take the inhaler. I stood in the bathroom, took the inhaler, which means I held my breath and counted to ten, then...SMACK! I woke up on the bathroom floor. Apparently I had fainted {lack of oxygen, got up too quickly?} and when I fell I hit my head hard on the bathroom tile. I woke up to Sadie licking my face and blood on my hands. Can we say...panic?

Of course it would happen when Hubby is out of town. Of course it would happen this week. I almost have to laugh.

Anyhow, I called my husband who is in a different time zone for work, so it was about 4:30 his time. Needless to say, he was worried. After much deliberation, we decided I'd better head to the ER. I have zero experience with head injuries, but know that you don't want to mess around with them. I also have zero experience with Emergency Rooms, other than what I've seen in the movies and on Grey's Anatomy, of course.

Six hours, a few staples in my head, a CT scan, and a breathing treatment later..I was home.

Today did not go how I had planned. But, then, does it ever? At the end of the day, I can only laugh and be thankful that 1) I woke up. 2)I'm okay. 3) I can laugh about it.

Nothing like a little head trauma to keep a Tuesday interesting! I knew I was dreading this week, but I hadn't considered adding an ER visit to the mix. Why not?

Hope your day was less painful and eventful than mine turned out to be. Here's to tomorrow being better!

Two Hearts

Thank you so much for your sweet comments about yesterday's post. I feel lifted up in prayer and am so thankful that you have taken time out of your day to think of us.

This came in the mail today:

If you can't see, there are two hearts side by side, with an E and M engraved. I love that I have something with their initials on it, and I'll wear it everyday. Glad it came this week.

{Beneath the necklace is my first attempt at calligraphy. Let me stress first. I do think my Calligraphy for Dummies book will come in handy as I develop my new little hobby.}

On another note, My heart is heavy for the people who have reached out to me and shared their story of loss. While I am glad that sharing my story has touched them and given them the courage to share their story, I'm just plain sad that so many people have to suffer. Life is so, so very precious.

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell.

~Lance Armstrong

Stronger

                    That which does not kill us,

only makes us stronger.

...or so they tell me.

I will say this over and over and over again this week. My heart aches more with each passing day. Please continue to pray for us.

We plan to celebrate our babies on Friday, November 11th, with a balloon release in their honor. If you would like to participate, we would be so humbled. In case you missed it, you can read about it here.

Thank you for your many prayers, kind words, support, and endless love.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;

perplexed, but not driven to despair;

persecuted, but not forsaken;

struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9