Day 15: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today, I join thousands and thousands of others in celebrating and remembering the souls of those whose lives ended far too son. For those who lived in their mother's womb, never in their arms. I join the mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends who are grieving for a precious baby in Heaven.

To find out that I was not alone in my loss was both comforting and heartbreaking at the same time. To find out that so many others have also said goodbye to a baby is unbelievable. I found myself naively asking, how did I not know about this? This is really something that other people go through? Not just me? I found out, also, that many remain silent about pregnancy loss. I have been silent at times, too, and find that the suffering is much greater when going through it alone.

Other times, it's impossible to be silent. The whole world already knew you were pregnant. I have had a few awful moments where someone who has not seen me in a long time asks me, didn't you have a baby? How are the twins? It even happened last night, actually. It still hurts to say "no, sadly, we lost them." It will probably always hurt.

Every day is a day of rememberance for our sweet babies. Today, especially, is a day to speak up and come together to honor all of the young lives no longer here with us on Earth. I will be praying for every mommy and daddy out there whose hearts are aching today and everyday in the absence of their heart and soul, their child.

We will be the voice they never had. We will live the life they never lived. Our hearts will always ache but theirs never will. If you are hurting today, remember that. They are safe and they are full of the love and joy you gave them. You are an amazing parent and they feel every ounce of your love and want you to feel every ounce of theirs. Theirs lives will not be taken in vain. Their legacy will live on and their footprint on your life and the lives of so many others will last forever. Their impact on this world and your heart is immeasurable.

Will you  join me in honoring these sweet babies today? Will you please say a prayer for them and their families who are missing them every minute of every day? If you'd like to find out ways to remember a loved one today, please visit www.October15th.com

I will be lighting candles at 7 pm to honor our babies. I will keep the lights on as a symbol that we remember, that we are not alone, that there is hope to be had.

For Michael, Elijah, Kate, baby Guys, Max, Alex, Cord, and all of the other babies whose mommies and daddies are aching today and everyday in your absence. We walk this earth for you.

To our little men, sweet baby girl, and our "little fighter Guys".  We miss you. We love you. We cherish you. We are so proud and so honored God chose us to be your parents.

Day 14: Weekend Wrap-Up

Hello, Friends! I hope you had a great weekend and were able to rest, relax, and do something fun. Fridays we are so tired, so usually we lay low, pick up dinner and watch a movie or catch up on dvr. Those are the most perfect nights, in my opinion!

Saturday, I did some much needed fall cleaning while the mister played in a golf tournament. Then, we did this:

 

Ok, well not exactly. We went to Oktoberfest with friends and only wish we had worn last year's sweet Halloween outfits. :) We did, however, enjoy fun music, interesting food, and great friends.

 

Today, my parents came for a visit and we had a great lunch at Toast and then just poked around town. I love seeing them whenever possible!

 

We are gearing up for a busy week ahead and I'm battling another case of the Sunday night blues. Note to self: work on that.  

 

What did you do this weekend? 

Day 13: Dear 17 Year Old Me...

Do you ever forget how old you are? When you are little you say things like "when I grow up..". You talk about growing up like it's something far away in the future and those who are already grown up really seem to have their stuff together. This was the case for me, at least, with my parents and grandparents being the prime examples.

But, when do you transition between "growing up" and "all grown up"? I feel like somewhere along the way, it happens, but not quite as you imagine when you're a child. You expect to feel wiser and more capable, responsible and successful. I think the big secret the grownups in our lives never shared with us is that no one really knows what they are doing. To a 17 year old, do I seem like a grown up who has it all figured out? I know that when I was 17 years old, 27 seemed very far away and very grown up. If I could go back in time and give some words of grown up wisdom to my 17 year old self, it would go a little something like this:

Dear 17 Year Old Self,
First, let me just give you a big hug. You do not yet feel comfortable in your own skin, and although it will take a while, you'll get there. Do not be so hard on yourself. It's okay if your hair isn't perfect or that boy you have a crush on doesn't feel the same way. Your love is coming.

I know you care a lot about what your friends think about you right now, but stop doing that, too. Your best friends now are going to love you forever and are even going to be in your wedding. They just want you to be you, so try hard to do that.

EAT!  Life is too short to eat like a tiny rabbit. You will go to Spain and Italy in college and come back with a new found love of fresh food and cooking. You'll actually be pretty decent in the kitchen and will have fun, too. You'll still be a health nut in the next years, but you'll prepare foods that are good for your body, not just your waistline.

You've always wanted to be a teacher, and you will actually become one. You'll love teaching but will get frustrated with the "other stuff" that comes with it. Keep your mind on your purpose for being there, which is to teach those young minds. All the other stuff doesn't matter.

Listen to your parents. They are, always have been, always will be your greatest fans and biggest cheerleaders. You don't know everything, because you are 17. Trust their advice to you and thank them as much as possible for everything they do and will do for you in the future.

You and your sister will continue to grow closer the older you both get. You'll be the maid of honor at her wedding and she'll be the matron of honor at yours. You will be the best friends you always hoped you'd be growing up. Your brother will still try to protect you and make you laugh and you'll get to travel Europe together in college.  Both of your siblings will be there for you in ways you can't imagine in the future.

Right now you're excited to finish high school and go to college. In college, you'll be ready to graduate and become an adult. Slow down. When you're out on your own you won't wish you were back in college, but you'll appreciate those carefree days.

You're going to go through some frogs before you find your prince. Keep holding your expectations high, and he will waltz into your life when you least expect it. Your heart will feel fuller than it ever has before. Your love will be magical and will feel like a fairytale.

Don't sweat the small stuff. You tend to get stressed out about small things because you want to do your best and want things to be perfect. They will not be perfect and you won't be either. The sooner you accept that the less crazy you'll become.

When you say your wedding vows, the "for worse" will come sooner than you expect it to.  You will be a mommy, but not in the way you imagine now. You will have five children by the time you are 27 but you won't have held any of them in your arms yet. It's going to rock your world but your marriage will remain strong through every storm. Hold onto eachother and communicate. Respect the differences between you and your husband and know that you'll handle each trial uniquely, and that's okay. Be gentle with eachother and gentle with yourself. Don't forget to take care of you even when that's the last thing you'll feel like doing. Have faith that you will have a house full of your babies someday soon. That part of the story still isn't finished yet.

You are not above sorrow. You are not above tragedy. It will happen to you but you need to remain thankful for the gifts in your life you do have instead of focusing on what you do not. Count your blessings. Every. Day. You will grow stronger in your faith in God through experiencing heartache. Be thankful for that, too. Know that your relationship with Him will not be perfect, either. Sometimes you'll get mad at Him and question His purpose for your life and he will love you through that.

Laugh. You have to keep laughing! Don't take everything so seriously. And, laughter will help guide you through some of the oddest and toughest moments. If you feel like laughing, do it. Don't worry about if it's okay to laugh. You can feel sad and laugh at the same time. Seen it. Lived it.

Hang in there, girl. You are loved and you have a big life ahead of you. There will be many joyous moments and some very sad ones, too. Believe in yourself and remember that you are strong, capable, and determined. Keep a positive attitude. You still won't have it all figured out 10 years from now. Not even close. That's okay. Just take it one day at a time and be grateful for every moment you have. And, don't forget to laugh along the way.

Love,
27 Year Old Self

Day 12: Words

 

A little Pinterest inspiration for you {and me, too} today. :) Have a happy Friday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 11: Life in the Waiting Room

 

I have spent a lot of time in waiting rooms. Literally and metaphorically. It's the place where you are, in many ways, stuck. It might be that you're late for work and in a hurry. It might be a place  where you feel anxious about what is to come, in a state of uncertainty.

 

It's the place you have to sit to get where you eventually need to be, and you hardly ever bypass the waiting room and are able to be seen right away.

 

How do you pass your time in the waiting room? Do you read a magazine, trying to distract yourself? Or, do you sit quietly and focus on why you're in the waiting room to begin with?

 

I have been thinking about how so much of my life lately is consumed with waiting. Waiting for the next appointment. Waiting for answers. Waiting for my heart to stop aching so badly. Waiting to hold our babies.

 

In the meantime, life happens. Precious days pass by before our eyes when we are hyper-focused on one all-consuming goal. We cannot move forward or go backwards. We are stuck in  between where we've been and where we so desperately want to be.

 

We must not give up. While we are in waiting we must make the most of it. We must, at times, distract ourselves and others sit quietly and focus on our goals, our purpose for waiting. I know, without a single doubt, that our journey is worth the wait. Everything we are going through, every tear, every emotion, is worth it. Once we hold our baby or babies in our arms, we will understand why we had to wait so long.

 

I am inspired to spend my time more wisely during the wait. Instead of wallowing in the "what ifs", "why nots" and "why me?", I will be painting, writing and trying my very best to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I will be sipping wine, dancing, and appreciating small moments. I will "date" my husband, teach my students and be the best sister, aunt, teacher, friend, daughter, wife, and mother I can be. Above all, I will do my best to make my babies proud of their mama.

 

Life in the waiting room. While I deeply hope it'll soon be my turn to hear my name called to come on back, I vow to make the most of my time while I wait.