Heaven is for Real

Tomorrow is my due date.

Tomorrow is the day I planned for, hoped for, dreamed for. Tomorrow is the day I learned about in the doctor's office that very first visit. My journey with our children began almost exactly 40 weeks ago. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Where do I even begin? I'll probably have to save a lot of what's inside until tomorrow. It's just too much to let it all out at once.

Let's start with today. Today I am so incredibly humbled. I have received cards, texts,e-mails, phone calls, and hugs that have warmed by broken heart. I have been moved to tears by so many of you who have reached out to me and shared that our story matters. Our babies matter. I am in complete awe of the way you have been moved to release balloons tomorrow for our sons. I have tried to find the words to say, but all I can say is, thank you.

A special friend gave this thoughtful gift to me today:

Have you read this book? I devoured it in one sitting this summer. If you need some inspiration, faith renewal, or strength, please read it. In a nutshell it is the true story of a little boy, Colton, who almost died, went to Heaven, then came back to live and tell about it. He described, in such beautiful detail what Heaven was like. The most touching part that gave me goosebumps was when he talked about his big sister and how he met her in Heaven. His parents had suffered through a devastating miscarriage before Colton was born. They had never told Colton about his big sister in Heaven, and how he was a miracle in their lives after they had lost her. It's incredible and such a gift that he was able to meet her that way.

I didn't know this book was available for kids which is the version my wonderful friend gave me. I now have goosebumps thinking about reading this book to Elijah and Michael's younger siblings, telling them all about their brothers, and how they are watching over us all in Heaven. This book is so special to me in so many ways and I am very grateful to my friend who gave it to me in comfort and remembrance of our babies.

Another sweet friend gave me a hug today and as my eyes welled up with tears she said, "Think about how lucky they are. They never have to feel any pain like we feel on Earth. I don't know why you're feeling it right now,and I'm so sorry you are, but they will never have to feel such sadness." I had never thought about that. I would very much rather have them here on Earth and would give absolutely anything to make that possible. It does make me smile, however, to know that while they are not in my arms, they will never have to feel anything but the deepest love. I only wish it was possible for them to be in my arms to feel that love.

Finally, I made it home and this was sitting in the mailbox from my wonderful sister:

There just aren't words to say. Thank you for continuing to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. We need them. Thank you for reaching out to show your love, support and encouragement. We cherish them. Please keep our boys fresh in your minds and hearts tomorrow. If you are planning on releasing balloons or if you feel moved to do anything else to celebrate their life and legacy, I would be so honored.

Here's what we're planning to do tomorrow to honor Eli and Michael. Stay tuned and I pray that God gives us the strength to face tomorrow.

Trauma Tuesday

Do you ever have a day that just did not go according to your plan? Today, I planned to get up, make a cup of coffee, go to work, come home and meet a friend for dinner tonight.

Here's what actually happened...

I woke up having trouble breathing. (Don't panic, recovering from bronchitis). I went downstairs to grab the inhaler that the doctor prescribed to help get over the bronchitis. I quickly ran back upstairs to take the inhaler. I stood in the bathroom, took the inhaler, which means I held my breath and counted to ten, then...SMACK! I woke up on the bathroom floor. Apparently I had fainted {lack of oxygen, got up too quickly?} and when I fell I hit my head hard on the bathroom tile. I woke up to Sadie licking my face and blood on my hands. Can we say...panic?

Of course it would happen when Hubby is out of town. Of course it would happen this week. I almost have to laugh.

Anyhow, I called my husband who is in a different time zone for work, so it was about 4:30 his time. Needless to say, he was worried. After much deliberation, we decided I'd better head to the ER. I have zero experience with head injuries, but know that you don't want to mess around with them. I also have zero experience with Emergency Rooms, other than what I've seen in the movies and on Grey's Anatomy, of course.

Six hours, a few staples in my head, a CT scan, and a breathing treatment later..I was home.

Today did not go how I had planned. But, then, does it ever? At the end of the day, I can only laugh and be thankful that 1) I woke up. 2)I'm okay. 3) I can laugh about it.

Nothing like a little head trauma to keep a Tuesday interesting! I knew I was dreading this week, but I hadn't considered adding an ER visit to the mix. Why not?

Hope your day was less painful and eventful than mine turned out to be. Here's to tomorrow being better!

Two Hearts

Thank you so much for your sweet comments about yesterday's post. I feel lifted up in prayer and am so thankful that you have taken time out of your day to think of us.

This came in the mail today:

If you can't see, there are two hearts side by side, with an E and M engraved. I love that I have something with their initials on it, and I'll wear it everyday. Glad it came this week.

{Beneath the necklace is my first attempt at calligraphy. Let me stress first. I do think my Calligraphy for Dummies book will come in handy as I develop my new little hobby.}

On another note, My heart is heavy for the people who have reached out to me and shared their story of loss. While I am glad that sharing my story has touched them and given them the courage to share their story, I'm just plain sad that so many people have to suffer. Life is so, so very precious.

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or Fight Like Hell.

~Lance Armstrong

Stronger

                    That which does not kill us,

only makes us stronger.

...or so they tell me.

I will say this over and over and over again this week. My heart aches more with each passing day. Please continue to pray for us.

We plan to celebrate our babies on Friday, November 11th, with a balloon release in their honor. If you would like to participate, we would be so humbled. In case you missed it, you can read about it here.

Thank you for your many prayers, kind words, support, and endless love.

We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed;

perplexed, but not driven to despair;

persecuted, but not forsaken;

struck down, but not destroyed.

2 Corinthians 4:8-9

November

November is here. It feels like I have been building this month up in my mind for so long, and I just cannot believe that it is here and my boys are not.

Grief is a funny thing. I say funny not at all in the haha kind of way, but in the hmm-didn't-know-it-worked-like-that kind of way. Some days, it amazes me that I am even functioning like a normal person. It doesn't seem that I should be. I cry at the drop of a hat, and I have genuinely laughed, too, sometimes in the exact same moment. I don't think I'm crazy, {most of the time}, because apparently, this is normal.

Still, the deep sadness is there. It's been an adjustment, but it stays with me. Even when I'm with the people I love and having fun, it's still there. It is, like so many other situations, a parallel journey. I can be smiling on the outside and hurting on the inside. It's just my new normal. I don't think that's easy for others to understand, nor do I expect it. I do know I am making a conscious choice to get out of bed every morning and be the best teacher, wife, friend, daughter and sister I can be. The way I see it, it's the only choice I have.

So, the grief sneaks its way into my life in different ways, at different times. Right after we lost our boys, and the shock wore off, the hurt simply took my breath away it was so painful. God has given me strength since then, and I am so thankful for that. The excruciating hurt comes in waves. Some days are  much better than others. Our world crumbled on the day we lost our babies and ever since then we are desperately trying to pick up the pieces from the rubble.

 Please know that while even though I am stronger, the pain has not gone away. In fact, the past month or so has been incredibly difficult in ways I had not planned. Each day gets harder as November 11th approaches. I thought about it the other day as I wondered why it seems to be harder now, more so in ways than it was before, and the answer hit me like a ton of bricks.

Before November 11th I should have been carrying my babies. Before I should have been decorating their nursery. Before I should have been taking labor and delivery classes, filling up their closets with coordinated outfits, and been on bedrest. Before.

After November 11th, I'll say, they should be in my arms now. We should be staying at home for Thanksgiving and taking family portraits for Christmas. After, I should be in a constant state of bliss and exhaustion with two newborns in our home.

It's the after that gets me. Everything before was devastating, but it's after the due date that I could really imagine what our lives would look like together. I'm not sure how I'll cope with it, but that's what is on my mind these days. I will try not to let my mind wander there too often. It's not the reality we're living, so I won't linger there.

Thank you for reaching out, for saying nothing when there is nothing to be said. Thank you for allowing and encouraging me to be what I need to be at any given moment. Thank you for praying hard for our babies, for us, and for our future.  Thank you for supporting us through the good times and the bad. We are so lucky + grateful to have such gifts in our lives.