Three Years{A Letter to My Boys}

When you pass through the waters,

I will be with you;

and when you pass through the rivers,

they will not sweep over you. -Isaiah 43:2

 

Our Dearest Elijah and Michael,

 

Can I say 'Happy Birthday' to you? You weren't born on this day, but it was the day we expected you. It was a day we hoped and prayed you'd be in our arms. It was a day we wanted to celebrate, so it still feels like we should celebrate on this day, November 11th.

 

I want you to know that while today is one day we celebrate you, we always remember you. You are with us during every moment. We feel your presence when the sun shines, the wind blows, the flowers bloom and the leaves fall. At 11:11 everyday, I say a little "hello" to my sweet boys. When I hear a song that reminds me of you, or when I'm kneeling down in prayer. During happy moments, and during sad ones, you are with us.

 

Your lives matter. Because of you, we are parents. Because of you, we are better. Your impact on our lives and the lives of so many others cannot be measured. Though you are not in our arms, you are very much alive in our hearts.

 

I picture you in heaven, and I know you are there with your sister and brother. I know you are watching over our family and I'm thankful for that. Boy, do we wish you were here, though. I'm so sorry you aren't here. Our hearts are not complete because you are not physically with us. I try not to imagine what our lives might be like if you were still here. If we had met you in November of 2011 and if you were turning three now. It's too painful to think about, so we don't allow ourselves to do so very often. Please hold tight to one another, and keep sending us those little "signs" that you're with us, and that you're okay. We love those little reminders.

 

I also want you to know that we're doing okay. Living without you is never something we'd ever thought we'd have to do, but we believe that so much of our strength has come from you and from above. I hope you feel proud of us, and know that we're doing the best we can down here. We try to stay hopeful for the future and remain grateful for our past and our present. And, we're so proud to be your parents. We'll always celebrate your lives; you are our first children. Your siblings will always know about you and the way our lives were never the same once you became a part of it. Through our tears, and through our joy, you are with us through it all.

 

We love you. We love you. We love you. We miss you deeply. Happy Birthday, baby boys.