November 11, 2013

A Letter to our Sons

On November 11, 2011, our identical twin boys were due to arrive. It was a day that marked our calendars, hearts, and minds. We planned for that day, but even more, we planned for the arrival of our sons. We planned to start our lives together and we planned our future. "Our" plan is not the one we're living, but our boys, they live on within us. We remember them every single day, but today especially is a day we celebrate them. In our house, today is theirs.

Dear Eli and Michael,

My sweet boys. Words cannot justly express how much we wish you were here with us today. You would be two. Two. How has it been that two years have gone by? In some ways, it seems like so much has happened in that time, and in others, it seems like just yesterday. We are doing the best we can down here. Daddy and I miss you so much that at times, it's hard to breathe. God has given us extra strength on those days and everyday, really, so that we can try and enjoy the present moment. That is something we feel confident you would want us to do. Be happy. Nothing has made us happier than you, for you made us parents. Because of you we have seen the greatest gift of all, and because of you we are persevering through every obstacle and trying to overcome every challenge that stands before us and between us and our dreams. Because of you, we know that Heaven is for Real, and we look forward to the day when we will be reunited with you there forever.

Your time on Earth was so brief in our human eyes, but your gifts and your lessons continue to shine brightly upon us and on others. We are infinitely blessed to be your parents. Thank you for being with us and for teaching us everyday.

One of the big changes in the last year has been that we have moved to New York City. Leaving our first home was difficult for many reasons. One of those reasons is that it was your house.  We were prepared to bring you home to your room and it was supposed to be your backyard to play in. While we were sad to leave the house, we also realized that we had a lot of sad memories while in the house, as well. It turned out we wouldn't bring you home and you wouldn't play in the yard. Your home and yard are much bigger and more amazing than we could even imagine. Now we are in a small apartment in a big city. You're still with us. We take you with us everywhere in our hearts, and I'm thankful for that.

We strive to honor you in all that we do. Increasing awareness of losing a baby or babies at any stage, and helping others to cope with it in any small way has also allowed us to cope. We know you are up in Heaven watching down on us. We picture you playing together and sweetly taking care of your sister, Kate, and your two other angel baby siblings. We picture you smiling when we smile, and crying when we cry. In my prayers I always pray for you to know only love and endless happiness in Heaven.

Your beings are forever intertwined with ours. While we would give anything to have you here with us instead, we are changed and better for having known you in the short time we did. The space in our hearts will never be filled here on Earth, and that is just our reality. You were so small, but your impact on our hearts, minds, and world can never be measured.

Our love for you has no bounds. We miss you, we love you, we cherish you. We celebrate your lives today and everyday.

We love you with all our hearts,

Mommy and Daddy
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
—Psalm 139:13, 14, 16


Nina said...

This is so beautiful!!! Thinking of you both and your angel boys today.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you! Hugs! Michelle Cusimano

Kathryn said...

This is beautiful! Hoping you find some peace today.

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