November 11, 2012

One Year. 11.11.12

It's been a year.
I'm not sure where or who I thought I'd be at this point. Happier? Better? Healed? Still broken?Stronger? I'm so thankful I do not have to define myself and can just be where I am.
One thing is for sure, we did not go through this year alone. Through the countless prayers from family, friends and strangers.

Through TJ holding me and not saying a word. Through him allowing me to be cranky, grumpy, silly, or quiet whenever I needed to be.
Through the sensitive, thoughtful words of my dad. Through my mom listening to me everyday and saying how deeply she wished she could take our pain away. Through my sister and brother being a constant support and always offering a prayer and hope for us. Through all of our family, near and far, who may have felt limited by ways they can help, but never were limited in love and encouragement they offered.
Through my friends, who have left messages when I didn't feel like talking, simply to say "I love you." "Thinking about you." "I'm here if you feel like talking."
Through the new friendships made in the wake of our loss. Through the experiences that joined our hearts together.
 Through the many, many, many tears. And, through the laughter, too.
Through the souls of our children who live on through us and shine down on us daily.
 Through God, for without whom there is no doubt I'd no longer be standing.

Dear Elijah and Micheal,
Our precious boys. Words do not begin to express how deeply you are missed and how dearly you are loved. It's so hard for Daddy and me to imagine little one year old babies, unsteadily walking around our house. Your house. We wish you were here. We wish we could hold you and hug you and watch you grow. We are sad today because of hopes and dreams unfulfilled. We are happy today because we realize you are in a beautiful place, one that is more precious and perfect than we could ever begin to imagine for you. We are thankful that God chose us to be your parents. We have a great responsibility to live our lives on earth in a way that makes you proud, and that is what we strive to do each and every day. Please continue to take good care of each other, your baby sister, and all of your siblings. We are grateful we get to spend forever with you, and do not fear the future because of that. You are with us, always. We love you, our sweet angels.
Mommy and Daddy
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
—Psalm 139:13, 14, 16
You kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in Your ledger,
each ache written in your book.
 Psalm: 56:8


Good Egg Hatched said...

I'm glad you found my blog tonight. I just clicked to yours and have been catching up on your story. You said in one post that you don't feel that you're brave. But it IS brave to hear someone tell you there is no heartbeat and then somehow put one foot in front of the other over and over again until moments add up to days and you suddenly find yourself able to laugh again. I so wish that 11/11 had been the kind of day I described in my post for you too -- the kind of day women across the world had, going into the hospital, having a baby, having visitors who bring flowers and take pictures.

Thank you for sharing your story and for giving me more courage to be brave and full of life myself, when I'm frankly not sure either is in me. I had a really demoralizing doctor's appointment today and I needed some inspiration.

Kathryn said...

I came across your blog from In This Wonderful Life and had to comment on this even though this posting is old. I also lost twins in my second trimester and it was awful.....unfortunately I know all too well how you felt. We did end up getting pregnant again a few months later (via IUI) and almost a year to the day gave birth to twin girls. I am not sure where you are in your journey but wanted you to know that I am praying for you and can't wait to follow along and see what great things God had in store for you! :)


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