June 30, 2011

Let Go..

I have always been one of those people who believed that everything in life happened for a reason. It was one of those thoughts I would refer back to when the good things happened in life, say, the moment I met my husband. I believe we were meant to meet at the exact moment we did, and that the stars had to align just so for our worlds to unite. I also would use that same thought when something catastrophic would happen, either in the world or closer to home. The rationale behind thinking that everything had a purpose is because we are unable to 1)explain 2)understand why certain things are the way that they are. That said, it's much easier to accept these fateful twists when they bring about joy in our lives. When we are thrown a curveball, however, and it affects our lives completely, then it's treading through murky water trying to rationalize why it is happening to us.

It has been just over a month since we lost our twins. I have been working diligently to heal and move through my grief. It seems that just when I feel as though I'm taking steps forward, we hit a wall and I move giant steps backwards once again.

We found out this week that our baby angels are boys. We couldn't bring ourselves to find out a month ago, even though that's what we were so excited about on May 26th when we went to our appointment. I never imagined this is the way we'd find out. Without going into too many details, I now have more questions than ever as to why this happened to our baby boys. Why this happened to us. "Everything happens for a reason" is not comforting to me this time.

For those of you who have experienced this feeling of frustration, you know how maddening it can be to feel utterly and completely out of control. I feel like God is sending me a message. I am not in control here. No matter how hard I try to steer this ship, I cannot force the wind in any one direction. I may not ever understand why this is happening to us. I do not know what the future holds and how or when we will have our family here on earth. I have to let go of control, something of which I never had to begin with. I have to TRUST that there are brighter days ahead of us. When it comes down to it, it's really that simple. I am not in control, and I have to let go. Let go and let God. When your worst fears have come to reality, those words are so much easier said than done. But, what choice do we have?

 My {amazing} husband is the best at bringing this thought back to the forefront of my mind. I can get so caught up in fears for the future. I am a worrier by nature, afterall. Where has that worrying brought me? Back to square one. I worried every day of my pregnancy and my worst fears came to be. No matter how much I worry about something, it doesn't change the course of what's going to happen. So, no matter how much I fill my head with endless "what ifs", it won't change what's meant to be. I have to believe that our lives from here on out will not be filled with endless heartache. I believe we will be blessed with our babies, and that we'll have the opportunity to raise them here on earth and that they will grow old and gray along with us. I don't know how that will come to be, and, it really doesn't matter how. It just matters to me that it happens. And, I have to trust that it will.

My goal for today {and that is all we are gauranteed} is to let go of control, trust, and believe in our future. What are your goals for today? How do you stay positive during times of trial? I'd love to hear about them.

Blessings,
Margot

June 23, 2011

Reminders

I have come to dread Thursdays. It has been four weeks since our world fell apart. Four weeks. May 26th was supposed to have been one of the happiest days, and ended up being the.worst.day.of.our.lives. Completely overcome with grief, I couldn't possibly imagine how our hearts would ever heal from a pain and loss so deep it shook us to our core. The only signs of relief I had were the few brief moments when I would sleep, and I woke up in tears for weeks because I realized then that our nightmare was real.

I truly believe I could not have survived these four weeks without my faith, family, friends, and even strangers who were moved by our story and took time to share theirs. Most of all, I could not have faced one minute of the darkness we endured without my husband directly by my side. This is the "for worse" we spoke of when we exchanged our vows, and it is ever. We always say to eachother, I love you more than I did yesterday, but not nearly as much as I will love you tomorrow. It's true. I love him more every single day and through this time of sorrow our love has grown stronger than ever.

It's impossible not to think about "what would have been". I just try to spend more time thinking about about "what will be". Going through this reminds us, in a big, devastating way, that we do not make the plans, and no matter how much we would love to pave the path, it's not ours to create. I DO trust that God does not give us more than we can handle, and I have faith that we will get through this. I believe that we will have the life we've dreamed.

Thank you for your endless prayers, support and love. You have lifted us up.









June 11, 2011

There is no footprint too small...

Thank you for visiting Find Your Spark. How did this blog come to be? It all started when my husband and I began our journey towards parenthood. We were expecting identical twins and have never felt happiness in the way we did when we planned our future with our babies. Our dreams were shattered along with our hearts on the day we discovered that we had lost our twins. We cried tears of joy on the day we found out we were pregnant, and we cried tears of agony on the day we realized they were gone. We carried them with us for 17 weeks. They are now angels, watching over us everyday. We cherish every precious, fleeting moment we had with our babies. We worried about them. We prayed for them. We sang to them, spoke to them and read to them. We devoted everything to them. We love them with our whole hearts. Isn't that what parents do? We will always be parents to our angels and they will always be our children. How blessed we are to have had the opportunity to become parents to such perfect beings. Our lives will be forever changed through having our babies in our world.

"There is no footprint too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

In the depths of our darkest days, we were able to recognize that we very simply had two choices: to hope, or be hopeless. We choose hope.

In the days following our personal tragedy, my dear sister gave me a book of healing and hope. In the book, we found a section that spoke directly to our hearts. It spoke of finding and re-igniting your spark. My husband and I decided we would do just that. We would find our spark, and we would re-ignite it. Our lifelong dreams of parenthood would not be lost. Our once fulfilled lives would continue on. We would remember our angels every minute of every day, and we would survive.

I created this blog in an effort to re-ignite my spark. In it, I will focus on our continued journey towards parenthood, and anything else that brings joy to our lives. I pray that this blog continues to follow us through many joyful days ahead of us. My hope is that through walking with us, you, too, will be able to find your spark.

Whatever your spark may be...Shine On.
 
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