June 30, 2011

Let Go..

I have always been one of those people who believed that everything in life happened for a reason. It was one of those thoughts I would refer back to when the good things happened in life, say, the moment I met my husband. I believe we were meant to meet at the exact moment we did, and that the stars had to align just so for our worlds to unite. I also would use that same thought when something catastrophic would happen, either in the world or closer to home. The rationale behind thinking that everything had a purpose is because we are unable to 1)explain 2)understand why certain things are the way that they are. That said, it's much easier to accept these fateful twists when they bring about joy in our lives. When we are thrown a curveball, however, and it affects our lives completely, then it's treading through murky water trying to rationalize why it is happening to us.

It has been just over a month since we lost our twins. I have been working diligently to heal and move through my grief. It seems that just when I feel as though I'm taking steps forward, we hit a wall and I move giant steps backwards once again.

We found out this week that our baby angels are boys. We couldn't bring ourselves to find out a month ago, even though that's what we were so excited about on May 26th when we went to our appointment. I never imagined this is the way we'd find out. Without going into too many details, I now have more questions than ever as to why this happened to our baby boys. Why this happened to us. "Everything happens for a reason" is not comforting to me this time.

For those of you who have experienced this feeling of frustration, you know how maddening it can be to feel utterly and completely out of control. I feel like God is sending me a message. I am not in control here. No matter how hard I try to steer this ship, I cannot force the wind in any one direction. I may not ever understand why this is happening to us. I do not know what the future holds and how or when we will have our family here on earth. I have to let go of control, something of which I never had to begin with. I have to TRUST that there are brighter days ahead of us. When it comes down to it, it's really that simple. I am not in control, and I have to let go. Let go and let God. When your worst fears have come to reality, those words are so much easier said than done. But, what choice do we have?

 My {amazing} husband is the best at bringing this thought back to the forefront of my mind. I can get so caught up in fears for the future. I am a worrier by nature, afterall. Where has that worrying brought me? Back to square one. I worried every day of my pregnancy and my worst fears came to be. No matter how much I worry about something, it doesn't change the course of what's going to happen. So, no matter how much I fill my head with endless "what ifs", it won't change what's meant to be. I have to believe that our lives from here on out will not be filled with endless heartache. I believe we will be blessed with our babies, and that we'll have the opportunity to raise them here on earth and that they will grow old and gray along with us. I don't know how that will come to be, and, it really doesn't matter how. It just matters to me that it happens. And, I have to trust that it will.

My goal for today {and that is all we are gauranteed} is to let go of control, trust, and believe in our future. What are your goals for today? How do you stay positive during times of trial? I'd love to hear about them.



Sarah said...

I love reading your blog, Margot! :-) And, I'm excited to see the new custom design!! Did you happen to use LJ? Hope all is well. Miss and love you guys lots!! xoxo

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your heart. For me, grieving over the many yesterdays outcomes I wished I could change or worrying about the events of tomorrow that I have no control over don't keep me focused on today. It is hard, but my goal for each day is to stay in the day and make it the best. Life's lessons have been very painful at times, but have always helped me grow or to be able to help somebody else.
Sometimes, I don't like when things are going well because I know there is something coming around the bend that will be hard, uncomfortable, or painful. You guys remain in my prayers daily :-) Love, Suzie

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