I had hoped, with every fiber of my being, that this time would be different.
While we were in Europe, I started to feel a little funny. I chalked the symptoms up to travel, but there was a place in my heart that knew. A few days after we returned home, I took a test.
Pregnant.
I am not exaggerating when I say that this was probably the biggest surprise of my lifetime. After every IVF, IUI, loss after loss, we were pregnant. And we were surprised. I've heard of that happening to people, but I had no clue if it would ever happen for us that way.
Our baby was, as all babies are, a miracle. I will go more into some other details later, but just know that I couldn't get over God's timing. And one of the biggest blessings? I was so calm. I did not feel fear. I felt like, this was perfect. We were going to meet this baby, due the week of my birthday, and take this baby home from the hospital. And, I was so thankful I could enjoy the time I had with this baby without fear. I cherished every minute we were given.
Then, I started spotting. I wasn't even concerned about it because the doctors weren't. They said it was "old blood" and I didn't have any other concerning symptoms. To be safe, they had us in for an early ultrasound. Relief washed over us as we saw our little babe in there, measuring 6 1/2 weeks, with a strong, rapid heartbeat.
We had my progesterone levels tested while at the appointment, and the next day got a call that they had dropped, though not dangerously low, and wanted to put me on a supplement. I got on it right away and the levels regulated during the week. Unfortunately, at this point, fear had crept back into my mind. When before I was at peace, now I was afraid. Such a big part of me wanted to believe this time would be different, but the seeds of doubt presented themselves and made anxious all week. I prayed for peace constantly, but my confidence had been shaken. I would remind myself that people get pregnant all the time. People have been having babies forever. I told myself that we were going to be those people this time. It was going to work.
It didn't work. A week later, we had a follow up ultrasound. The familiar silence as the doctor tried to find the heartbeart, but couldn't. The tears. The pain. The sadness. A nightmare we couldn't believe we were having to live again. The sick realization that we now have six babies in heaven. That this was my fifth pregnancy that failed. It's all too much.
I can't make sense of it. We so desperately wanted to keep our babies. Babies that are perfect. Babies that could have been teachers, or doctors or artists or simply wonderful people in this world. I try not to ask "why" too often, because it doesn't help. Being angry doesn't help, either. Being sad is inevitable, but it doesn't help. Nor does being frustrated, envious or feeling sorry for ourselves. This time it felt like an incredibly cruel, not remotely funny, joke. We became pregnant without trying, without hormones or treatments or "our timing". Our plans and life changed dramatically on the day we found out we were pregnant and we began to see our new future take shape. We hopefully and gratefully allowed ourselves to talk about our spring baby and what a special birthday present he or she would be. To have it all taken away from us, again, is more than words can describe.
We had started to tell our friends and family. You can only imagine how they shared in our joy. They were shocked and so thankful for our gift. Everyone felt hopeful for us. I imagined you all would have been so excited for us, too. It's sad to have to go through something like this, and pretend like you aren't. I could feel myself slipping into a "social media silence" because it took too much energy to pretend like we weren't going through something again. Working at a new school has been an interesting addition to this whole situation. Being new, most people don't know our story, which can be a good thing and a bad thing, too. This time, it was tough because I came back to work and had to pretend like nothing happened, that I was just out sick. One day pregnant, the next day, not.
We're very sad. We truly believed and prayed this time would be different. But here's the thing. . We are not giving up. The desire to be parents is real and is not ever going to go away. I will continue to write and share about our journey. It's not finished. We love you, dear baby.
What's God going to say to my questions? I'm braced for the worst. I'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. I'll wait to see what God says, how he'll answer my complaint.
And then God answered; "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. The vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming-it can hardly wait!
And it doesn't lie.
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time." Habukkuk 2: 1-3
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