This Little Light of Mine

No, I haven't blogged since January 1st. We have had a lot going on in our little family and I've not been ready to write. I'm back. I needed to write tonight.

Exactly one year ago today, we received the most incredible news. Our prayers were answered as we saw "pregnant" appear on the test. Looking back, I wonder if I would have believed anyone who told me how the year would actually play out. Of course not. Our innocent, naive hearts were overflowing and I cannot recall a more pure joy than what was felt that morning, standing in the bathroom, sobbing together. "We did it!" We exclaimed. We thought we were there. We thought we had finished the hard part. We hadn't. In fact, our hardest days were yet to come. We had no idea what pain and heartbreak would accompany such joy on that morning. On that morning, we never could have guessed that we had two sweet baby boys inside of me. We certainly never thought we'd lose them the way we did. I can bet you a pretty penny we never realized how difficult it would be to build and rebuild our family.

No, when I think back on that day, I think about happiness. I think about shock, being grateful, thanking God (although I did this over and over after this day, too), and imagining our life unfolding. In fact, I have a clear memory of going to Seussical the Musical with my fourth graders on that day and tearing up while listening to children sing a song that contained the words "anything's possible...", knowing that I had an amazing gift that was given to me on that day. 

How I wish we were spending today with Eli and Michael, already three months old. That certainly was how I had envisioned spending this day, why would it have been any other way? I have said it before and I will say it again. I would not trade one minute of the LIFE I spent with our sweet boys, even though there was so much heartache with saying goodbye to them. I wouldn't change it if it meant not knowing them at all. I am so thankful we have been chosen to be their parents. Through them, during this past year, I have become a stronger person than I ever thought possible. My husband and I became closer than I imagined we could be. I saw the kindness of strangers and true friendships and relationships have been tested. My faith, while shaken, has grown deeper. I have learned a lot about myself, and have learned how to say "okay" when someone asks if they can help. I have learned am learning to be patient, relinquish control, and take life one moment at a time. I have a greater appreciation for being a mother through having endured this. Thank you, sweet boys, for continuing to teach us and live on through us each.and.every.day.

This song is what I needed to hear tonight. The lyrics are also below and they really hit me. Where will we be in our journey next March 1st? I know better than to try and figure that out. One breath at a time. That's where we are. That's where we are supposed to be.

There's a little flame inside a soul 

Some shine bright

Some shine small

The rains will come

And the waters rise

But don't you ever lose your light

In this life you will know

Love and pain

Joy and sorrow

So when it hurts

When times get hard

Don't forget whose child you are

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm Gonna let it shine

Gonna let it shine

May you live each day

With no regret

Make the most of every chance you get

Let your eyes get wide

When you look at the stars

With the same sense of wonder as a child's heart

With the ones you love

Treasure the time

And for those who are gone
Keep the memories alive

Hold on to your dreams

Don't ever let go

There's a fire inside you
Burning with hope

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

Gonna let it shine

There will be days when you wanna give up

When clouds settle in

But after the rain comes the sun

Don't you ever forget

Don't forget

Don't, don't forget

One day there will be no more pain

And we will finally see Jesus' face

So until then I'm gonna try

To brave the dark

And let my little light shine

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

Gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let it shine

Gonna let it shine

Oh, shine

Gonna let it shine

There's a little light inside us all