October 23, 2014

Vermont Weekend

Thank you all so much for your beautiful words of encouragement with my last post. Every time I write something that's hard to think, feel, or say, I'm reminded what a powerful effect community can have. I'm reminded that I'm not alone, and knowing that we're being prayed for and cheered on means so much. So, so much.

This past weekend we escaped the city and headed to Vermont. We met my parents there, and it always works wonders for the soul to spend some time with family. We've been so fortunate to see two of our best friends, and my sister and brother-in-law in NYC over the past couple of a weeks. They get their own post, but it was great to add to the list of seeing my parents this weekend, too!

 We got there late Friday night, so it was a quick trip. Saturday was a bit rainy but was lovely anyhow. We spent it strolling around town, popping into little shops and then we took a drive to a local brewery and cheese shop.







 We visited a covered bridge that connects Vermont to New Hampshire through the Connecticut River. My mom, who grew up in Vermont, had never seen this particular one so we checked that out.











 For dinner, we headed to the Woodstock Inn where we had a drink at The Red Rooster and dinner at the tavern. I had a lobster pot pie and TJ had lobster mac and cheese. Delicious!


On Sunday, we had brunch at Worthy Kitchen where something came over me and I ordered the fried chicken and a biscuit. Actually, TJ did, too. We love that place.
 

Thankful for a weekend with my parents! Hope you had a great one, too. And I realize it's almost time for the next weekend but it's been that kind of week! 


October 15, 2014

Broken.

How can I write this post and make it sound not raw, or too sad? I don't think I can.

With every pregnancy that we could, we have had genetic testing done on our babies. I mentioned before that we both have had every test under the sun, and when given the opportunity we have opted to have our babies tested, as well. The hope was always that we'd have some answers. Not that it would provide us any solace, comfort. Not that we'd have any reason to celebrate. No. Answers. Reasons we could put our hands on for why this keeps happening.

Every test we have had done has come back normal. And every test we have had done on our babies have showed that they, too, were normal. Perfect, really. Normal, perfect babies.

Yesterday I found out that the baby we said goodbye to in September was also normal. And, he is a boy.

The moment I found out, the lump in my throat returned so much that it left me short of breath. My heart broke into even tinier pieces, as if it were even possible. I completely expected to hear that our baby was chromosomally normal. I would not ever wish for my child to have an abnormality and always pray for a healthy baby. But, for the fourth time, I heard that our baby was normal. Which brings the thought I can't push down, up to the surface yet again.

I am broken.

Please know that I am not, in any way, searching for words of sympathy when I write this. I really just needed to get the words out. TJ gets so, so upset when I say it, and I know that I did everything in my power to will this baby into our arms. I prayed so hard and hoped my heart out that my body wouldn't let me down.

But my body did let me down. And because of that, I let myself down. I let my husband down. I let my baby down. My baby, who could have been born healthy and happy had he had a mommy who wasn't broken.

And, just like that, I've lost my baby all over again. It's so familiar. I start to feel like I'm coming back to the land of the living, am holding it together pretty well and then am completely thrown back by this information.

The moment I was alone, I fell to my knees. As I cried out loud, I pleaded with God. I begged Him to let me have understanding as to why this keeps happening. I pleaded with Him that we would not have another baby die. And, as I was doing this, I flashed back to a similar moment I had after we lost the twins. I couldn't stop asking WHY. Eventually, I stopped asking why. I developed a trust and a patience that definitely surpassed my own understanding. So when I heard my own pleas aloud yesterday, I knew they weren't the questions I should be asking. It's so hard not to, though. I wonder if I'll go through my whole life with that one word question ringing in my ears and sitting on my heart. I hope not. Having answers will not bring my children back. It may save the lives of any future children we are blessed with, but that's the future and we don't know about that.

My heart aches today as I miss my babies. I miss them everyday. I miss my boy whom I only had the pleasure of knowing for seven short weeks in my womb.  I want it to stop. It has happened too many times to us but it has happened too many times to so many other parents, too. If it has happened once, it has happened too much.

This post is dedicated to Eli, Michael, Kate, our baby boy and our two angel babies. It is dedicated to Max, Cord, Cam, Alex and every other baby who did not have the chance to leave the hospital. It is dedicated to my friends who have known the journey of loss, and for those who are praying for their turn to become parents.Please remember these babies and their parents today. They walk this earth with a piece of their heart missing. They smile, provide for and encourage others, but they are aching. It is such a gift for you to remember them and their babies.
Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. 




October 2, 2014

Turks and Caicos

We had such a wonderful trip! Turks and Caicos is one of the most beautiful places I've ever seen. The water was a crystal clear, turquoise blue. The beaches were filled with soft, powdery, white sand. We spent a whole lot of time relaxing, reading, swimming and celebrating our life together.

TJ went for a run and I did yoga on the beach. We took bike rides through town, went paddle boarding and kayaking. We went snorkeling through the world's third largest barrier reef, went to a private island where wild iguanas roamed, and we saw barracudas, lemon sharks, and sting rays.

We took so many pictures and I'm going to post lots and lots here. Long post!






















 


 

 




 I learned from this experience that it doesn't matter how big the fin is, you don't want to see that bad boy sticking out of the water! {Okay, so maybe fin size matters just a little}




 




 

 This is where we spent most of our time




 Something fun to sip on by the sea!
 

 TJ: Can we start using these on our eyes everyday?
Freshly juiced watermelon margaritas and a rainstorm
 happened more than one afternoon. And I didn't hate it.


 

 
 

 

 Lunch at "jar"...Malaysian fried rice with crab in one and chicken wings with pickles and fries in another. So fun.

 





 this guy.

 God's handywork.
 





 We went to the town "fish fry" which
 was pretty amazing. Lots of delicious food and entertainment!
 


 anniversary mimosas









 







 Anniversary dinner back at Coco Bistro for our last night in TCI.
This was one of the best things either of us had
ever put in our mouths. Lobster goodness.


 
 



 


 
At the airport headed back to the US. Under construction, just like us. ;)
 
I'm so thankful to have had this time away with my love. There is no one else I'd rather have by my side as we navigate through life together. Happy Anniversary, my sweets!
 
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